


The Stalag 13 Gazette

by Snooky



Category: Hogan's Heroes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-18
Updated: 2014-07-18
Packaged: 2018-02-09 08:13:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 19,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1975590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snooky/pseuds/Snooky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the News That's Fit to Print." provided that it has been pre-approved by the Kommandant, of course.  2010 PBA winner: Best overall story and Best comedy: Winner: UPDATE: WINNER 2013 PBA "BEST OF THE BEST!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. April 23, 1943

The Stalag 13 Gazette

Volume 1, no. 1

April 23, 1943

Note from the editor: Corporal Rubinstein, Barracks 12.

Kommandant Klink has graciously allowed us to print this first issue of what we hope will be a regular camp newsletter. Hopefully, this publication will facilitate communication throughout the camp, dispel rumors and provide a bit of entertainment for those of us who are now imprisoned here for the duration. All articles and notices have been preapproved by the Kommandant.

As of today, camp population: 823 prisoners. Sorry, number of guards is classified.

A note of thanks from our Kommandant:

We all owe a debt of gratitude to Colonel Hogan for his bravery. As you know, he, along with myself and Sergeant Schultz, successfully deactivated a bomb that had landed in the compound. This bomb was dropped by your side, which is a flagrant violation of the Geneva Convention. I can assure you that this matter has been taken to higher authorities. Unfortunately, General Burkhalter did not hang around to witness this event. This shows that even though we are enemies, we can cooperate for the greater good.

**Notices:**

Sergeant Wilson is still tracking down those prisoners who have not reported for their annual physical.

LOST: our barrack´s mascot. He´s got grey hair, is about 2 inches tall, and answers to the name Felix. A reward awaits the person who returns him to barracks 2!

The Glee Club will be meeting on Thursdays at 1500 hours in the recreation hall. I have heard them. They do a great version of "Roll out the Barrel."

The Rhumba contest has been canceled due to lack of interest. I hear the Kommandant is disappointed as he had been tapped to judge the event.

Colonel Hogan will be conducting a mandatory meeting for all Barracks Chiefs next Monday at 0800. The meeting will be held in the mess hall. The topic of discussion will be Fire **EVACUATION DRILLS**. Again, the meeting is mandatory. Chiefs need to remind their barracks that we are facing a **dangerous s** ituation in the camp due to the prevalence of wooden structures. You are all smart enough to understand the **ramifications**. So be careful with your cigarettes, matches etc. Conditions around here can often be windy or **hazardous** and can **change** **within seconds**.

Congratulations are in order for the winner of the recent basket weaving contest: Corporal LeBeau of Barracks two. While we are on the subject of basket weaving, the obnoxiously large entry submitted by Corporal Newkirk, also of Barracks two, has mysteriously disappeared. If anyone has it, please return it. No questions asked.

Yes, that was Colonel Hogan decked out in his full dress uniform (complete with medals) the other evening. It appears he had been ordered to appear for dinner with the Kommandant and a member of the German "brass." How the Colonel managed to get his dress uniform delivered to our camp is still a mystery.

If any of you think it is always winter around here, you're not far from the truth. The official snowfall amount as recorded by our resident meteorologist, Sgt. McMahon, was 110 inches. Coincidentally, that is close to the usual amount of snow that falls on my hometown of Syracuse, NY. during a normal winter.

"After a thorough spring cleaning of Barracks Two, many previously-thought-missing items were found in the locker of someone who we shall leave nameless. That person has been forced to give those items back. If you're missing something, see Corporal Newkirk.

A reminder, particularly for the newer prisoners: All problems, complaints or suggestions need to go through Colonel Hogan or his staff. Prisoners are not allowed to speak with the Kommandant and should not be anywhere near his office, unless they have permission. This is for your protection.

A warning from our Kommandant: Several prisoners were sentenced to the cooler recently for making "noises" during roll call. Please remember that such actions have consequences.

Sgt. Carter and Cpl LeBeau from Barracks 2 kindly request that their fellow prisoners stop harassing them about having Hasenpfeffer for supper. "We are not - repeat: not - eating living animals," Sgt Carter says. "Besides, as you know, it was not a rabbit trap. It was a gonculator, which was blown up."

The fitness club is always looking for new members, especially now with a view to staging Stalag's 13 unofficial mini Olympiad. Both staff and residents are invited to participate; Colonel Klink will be the official starter of all races. In related news, Barracks 11 is the official winner of last week's volleyball tournament.

The censors are reminding everyone that not only is their job difficult enough as it is, there's a war on and paper is in short supply everywhere. Be brief and be cheerful but don't spill those beans.

Fraulein Hilda thanks everyone for all the wishes on her recent birthday. However, Colonel Klink is not amused at the state of his garden. All perpetrators, no matter how sincere their intentions, will be punished with a month's compost heap duty.

Any prisoners caught fraternizing with the local population in or out of camp, will suffer severe consequences. This is particularly true for local frauleins bearing milk products.

"If anyone sees a tiger passing the camp, please inform Colonel Hogan immediately!"

"Wanted: female, preferably size 36-22-36, but all sizes are welcome. Signed: Desperate."

"Notice from the mess-hall: the menu until further notice (provided we get the ingredients):

Sunday: potato salad

Monday: baked potatoes

Tuesday: mashed potatoes

Wednesday: boiled potatoes

Thursday: potato soup

Friday: potato-pancakes

Saturday: leftover potatoes"

A note from your Commanding Officer: This month, I have successfully bargained for: 10 hours of extra electricity, 2 additional slices of white bread per man, per week (sorry, no pumpernickel), and a later morning roll call. Thanks go out to all those who volunteered for work details. I have also had to listen to a violin recital, and I have played over 20 games of chess with the Kommandant. As you know, this job is not easy.

Contributors to this issue include: snooky, Konarciq, Mistress V, Deana


	2. April 30, 1943

**_The Stalag 13 Gazette_ **

_**Vol. 1 No.2** _

_**April 30, 1943** _

**From your editor: Corporal Rubinstein, Barracks 12**

We got such a great response from the first issue, that I have continued publication. Guest contributors can keep sending me items. You know where to find me. Obviously, I'm not going anywhere.

**From your Kommandant:**

This is to notify the perpetrators of the prank that was pulled on the visiting General last week that I received a phone call from the General today, informing me that the piece of cheese that one or more of you hid in his car while he was here was finally discovered this morning. Unfortunately, the car has become unbearable, and will require extensive fumigation. General Schwarzenegger is not amused, and I am relaying his message to the guilty party or parties, and I quote, "I'll be back."----BP

Cpl. Newkirk of Barracks 2 wishes to inform the man who stole his watch that he has recently stolen it back.---AD

Escape Committee meets Monday night at 1900 hours in Col. Hogan's quarters.

  
Canceled: Escape Committee meeting, by order of Kommandant Klink.---AD

Movie Friday evening in the recreation hall, courtesy of the generosity of Kommandant Klink. The film is a newly released American film, the title of which will be kept secret until the showing. Attendance is strongly encouraged, by order of the Kommandant.---AD

All Tommy Dorsey and Bing Crosby records that have been confiscated by the Kommandant for violations of the rules will not be returned. They have been  
destroyed. So don't bother asking.---AD

Results of last week's boxing tournament: Battling Bruno over Sgt. Kinchloe, by a technicality.---AD

Recreation hall closed until further notice for violating camp rules forbidding the launching of rockets from buildings in the compound. By order of the Kommandant. Also, fraternizing with Russian women has been forbidden by both Kommandant Klink and Colonel Hogan. That means you, Cpl. LeBeau.---AD

Col. Hogan would like to remind prisoners, AGAIN, that the senior officer is the only prisoner allowed to contact the Kommandant through his secretary. All  
other prisoners are forbidden from fraternizing with Fraulein Hilda. This includes British corporals. Thanks anyway, Newkirk.---AD

Weather report from Sgt. McMahon: Cloudy with a chance of ball bearing showers.---AD

Trouble with your car? No problem. Have the 'Boys from Barracks Two' take a look at it. "They've forgotten more about engines than you and I will ever know." ---AD

Attention all prisoners of war: Kommandant Klink would like to remind all prisoners of the camp's strict 'no pets' rule. This includes, but is not limited to, rabbits, mice, pigeons, dogs, and chimpanzees. Also, it is forbidden for prisoners to hunt, trap, or otherwise harvest wild game or fowl for consumption purposes.---AD

Captain Gruber has issued a stern warning. Any prisoner calling him names behind his back, particularly Mr. Whipple, will be severely punished.

Sergeant Wilson is still waiting on a few prisoners who have not reported for their annual physical. Colonel Hogan!!!

Missing: top coat. Reward offered for safe return of Kommandant's top coat. Last seen being accidentally removed by man impersonating a "friendly" Gestapo agent. Reward also offered for capture of imposter.

Is it starve a cold and feed a fever? Or is it feed a cold and starve a fever? We will be testing that theory unscientifically on Kommandant Klink and Sergeant Schultz. Results of experiment to be posted in next issue. In related news, Colonel Hogan will be offering free drum lessons in the rec. hall, when and if privileges are restored and after the Kommandant is feeling better.

For some unknown reason, several prisoners did not completely fill out their Red Cross cards, when entering the camp for the first time. The following will report to the Kommandant's office to register first names. Wilson, Olsen, Hammond, Garth, Christopher, Greenberg, McMahon, O'Brien, Mills, Addison, Brotten, Davis, Edwards, Harper, Hansen, Saunders.

Due to frequent complaints about explosions at night, free earplugs are now available in the infirmary.

The Stalag 13 Beautification committee is recruiting volunteers to plant gardens around the following areas. VIP headquarters, Barracks 9, 15 & 22\. The infirmary. It will do you good to get your hands dirty, so come on out.

The morale officer is not happy. It seems every time the Red Cross sends us new board games, the Monopoly games go missing and are later found mutilated. We have a serial game demolisher in camp and that person, when discovered, could be in big trouble, so says the Kommandant. Hopefully, the person is only taking out his frustrations on a simple board game and will accept the help he needs. Colonel Hogan, who really has better things to do, is confident that he can take care of the problem. Meanwhile, go play Parcheesi.

Lecture series: Every Thursday evening in mess tent. 1900 hours.

First up: Sergeant Smythe of the RAF will attempt to explain the rules of Cricket. We expect this to be an ongoing subject, possibly lasting the duration.

Next up: Sergeant Carter and the history of American pharmacy soda counters, including how to make a proper root beer float.

If you have something to share with the camp, sign ups are in Barracks two. See Sgt. Kinchloe.

Contributors for this issue: Bits and Pieces, Atarah Derek, Snooky


	3. May 7, 1943

**Stalag 13 Gazette**

**Volume 1, no. 3**

**May 7, 1943**

Editor: Corporal Rubinstein, Barracks 12

 **Notices** :

Results from today's volleyball game are unavailable. Game called due to a missing ball. Ball last seen floating over the Hammelburg road.-ad

Sgt. Schultz would like to announce that prices for errands have gone up. Trips to the grocery store now cost three candy bars and a 50% tip. Retrieval of farm produce or fruit such as grapes now costs five candy bars.-ad

Kommandant Klink would like to announce that the price of bribing a guard has gone up from ten days in the cooler to 30.-ad

'Madame LaGrange' has canceled tomorrow night's dance lesson due to foot injuries resulting from talentless students, particularly Gestapo-ad

Kommandant Klink reports a missing piece to one of his office lamps. The guilty party has 12 hours to return it, or, 'There will be consequences'- -ad

**Tidbits from the Hammelburg News**

_(translations by Cpl. Langenscheidt)_

Mr. and Mrs. Johann Schnitzer are proud to announce the marriage of their daughter Helga to Doctor Hans Strauss (no relation to the composer). The couple will reside in Dusseldorf where the doctor is stationed. (Helga is Colonel Klink's former secretary and is also the niece of camp Veterinarian Oskar Schnitzer.)-s

Hammelburg Horticulturist Herr Hauptmann has been detained on suspicion of planting non-indigenous fauna around the area, possibly to impede German agriculture, mar German soil and otherwise impede the war effort. Credit for the arrest goes to our new Gestapo chief, Wolfgang Hochstetter, who replaces his deceased cousin Col. Feldkamp. Reports have Major Hochstetter spotting palm trees around Stalag 13. After screaming "what are these plants doing here?" he started his investigation. When asked for a comment, Colonel Klink, the camp's Kommandant says, "Funny, I thought they belonged there." His Sergeant at Arms, Hans Schultz says, "I never noticed them," and Senior POW officer, Colonel Robert Hogan USAAC, reports that he thought that some kind civilians planted them there to boost morale for prisoners from California and Florida-s.

**From Colonel Hogan:**

There have been scurrilous rumors being spread around that myself and members of my staff have been conducting "secret" trials of fellow prisoners who have been composing unflattering, untrue and sometimes hideous tales about certain inhabitants of this camp. These rumors are not true and will cease immediately. Is that understood?-s

**From your medic: Sergeant Wilson:**

A reminder to keep your feet dry during the rainy season. Also we are recruiting at least one person from each barracks to attend Mandatory first aid training. This is important since accidents and injuries can happen at any time. Corporal LeBeau is exempt.-s

Colonel Hogan: if you don't report for your physical by the end of this week, I will come after you with a hypodermic needle. You have been warned.

From your medic: Corporal Wilson:

Please ignore the previous notice.-s

The feed a cold, starve a fever experiment has been canceled. The prisoner in charge of the experiment has come down with something.-s

**And more...**

In order to dispel all of the rumors that have been circulating, Corporal LeBeau, Corporal Newkirk, and Colonel Hogan will not be impersonating women for the upcoming talent show. While many believed they would after a fellow prisoner claims they saw them practicing, they stated that it was only done in the direst circumstance and, if given the choice they would never have done it. We apologize to all of you who were looking forward to this performance. - h

Sergeant Schultz would like to thank Sergeant Carter of Barracks two for making him an honorary member of the Sioux tribe and for giving him a headband with a feather. Sadly, Colonel Klink took the headband. If Colonel Klink returns the headband, Sergeant Carter will have another made for him with two feathers and make him an honorary chief with the name Big Chief Bald Eagle Who Flies No Longer. -a

Kommandant Klink recently hosted his string quartet. They had a lovely evening rehearsing in his quarters.-s

The perimeter guards would like to report that the search for cats mating alongside the fence have turned up nothing. They have no idea where the noises are coming from.—s

From our new Sports Correspondent: Aloha94, Barracks 15.

Baseball-Opening Day Results: Opening Day: April 21, 1943

American League

Cleveland beat Detroit 1-0

Chicago beat St. Louis 3-0

National League

Pittsburgh beat Chicago 6-0

Cincinnati beat St. Louis 1-0

Contributors for this issue: Aloha94, Atarah Derek, Hammelburg, Snooky


	4. May 14, 1943

**The Stalag 13 Gazette**

**Volume 1, no 4**

**May 14, 1943**

_Note from your editor: Corporal Rubinstein, Barracks 12. This newspaper is becoming so popular, everyone wants to jump on the bandwagon: So keep sending in your stuff._

**Rumor control:**

There is no truth to the rumor that Colonel Hogan was once a vacuum cleaner salesman.

Sergeant Schultz does look good in white.

Yes, that was a flaming truck that passed by the camp the other evening.

Colonel Hogan can sing. He was heard joining in on a round of Santa Lucia the other week. Why Barracks two was singing Santa Lucia, considering we are at war with Italy, was a mystery until we discovered that a resident of Barracks two is descended from Italians and was homesick. He invites everyone to patronize his father's pizza parlor after the war.

**Prisoner count update:**

We now have 835 prisoners in camp. 12 more came in this week.

In a related story: The prisoners that came in this week, almost never got here, according to an anonymous source. A corporal on the transport truck explains: "We stopped in front of a small bridge, outside the town of Hammelburg, I think. The driver left the truck to talk to some little old lady. Next thing you know, another truck passed us on the left, drove on the bridge and then BOOM. Got blown to smithereens. We heard the underground planted mines or something. It could have been us guys. We were all shaking the rest of the trip in."

**In other news:**

This reporter conducted an investigation of the above story and it is true. According to Kommandant Klink, the underground was successful in blowing up the prisoner's Red Cross packages.

The zookeeper at the Hammelburg zoo would like to express his gratitude to the prisoners that took care of a missing chimpanzee. The chimpanzee was returned to the zoo and is happy to be home.

Requests for zoo outings have been denied by order of the Kommandant. "What do you think this is? A summer camp?"

Last week there was a huge fight on the compound and a rugby game broke out. Colonel Hogan has decided to forbid further rugby matches since there are not enough bandages in camp to handle the injuries. Sorry guys.

**From the Kommandant:**

The men from barracks 13 and 17 are being severely punished on the grounds that they broke out fighting near the gates, for no apparent reason, and with no warning last Tuesday. Their excuses were laughable at best, although I thought the one about the best way to open and eat an egg, was original.

**From Colonel Hogan:**

I am working on reducing the sentence for the above mentioned infraction; particularly since the egg issue has come up before and has been known to start a war. Frankly, I find the whole thing perfectly reasonable.

**From the Kommandant:**

Colonel Hogan has officially gone off his rocker (is that the correct word?). The sentence stands.

**From Colonel Hogan:**

I have reminded the Kommandant of certain situations, and how close he has come to leaving us for a colder climate and he has graciously agreed to time served.

**Preparations have begun for our mini-Olympics:**

The following events have been scheduled.

Bean bag throwing. Hit the target. 25 yds. 50 yds. 100 yds.

Obstacle course.

Target shooting (with water pistols)

Pin the tail on the Donkey (requested by Sgt. Schultz)

Rope climbing

Any other useful ideas, please notify Colonel Hogan

**Notices: by Sergeant Konarciq, Barracks 9**

Cpl. LeBeau will resume his French cooking classes in the mess hall, Saturdays at 10 a.m. Due to previous experiences, the British are kindly requested not to attend.

Sgt. Carter wants everyone (including the Kommandant) to know that he does not have a pet. "A pet is an animal you buy in a pet-shop. Felix just happens to live in our barracks, so we couldn´t very well turn him out."

The great-great-grandson (Yeah, right: so says the editor- and I have a bridge to sell) of Robin Hood challenges Little Deer Who Runs Swift and Sure through Forest to an archery contest. We will be aiming at moving targets. (Note from the Kommandant: This ludicrous challenge has been cancelled of course. Prisoners are not allowed weapons of any kind, including bows and arrows.)

Need your fortune told? Come and see Cpl. LeBeau, before it´s too late!-

Now selling: bonds in the Klink-Hogan Oil Company. See Col. Hogan for details. (Rectification: see Kommandant Klink for details!)

Will the person who borrowed the golden brick from Col. Hogan´s quarters please return this phony gold to its rightful owner? He wants to keep it as a souvenir for after the war!

Back by popular demand: a course in English for German beginners, taught by Cpl. Newkirk. Lesson 1: What is an emergency? Interested guards can sign up with Sgt. Schultz. This course is highly recommended by our illustrious Kommandant!

A once in a lifetime offer for a jigsaw-puzzle fanatic with too much time on his hands: a replica of the famous Monet painting The Boy with the Fife – in powder form! Now available in barracks 2.

**And Even More Notices:**

Corporal Newkirk has been getting many requests to break into things and snatch things for people. He'd like the entire camp to know that he's not 'some ruddy thief', but anyone who would like pick pocketing lessons can see him anytime.-Deana

Just before this issue went to print, we decided that the 'feed a cold, starve a fever' experiment is back on, thanks to Corporal Newkirk. The results will probably be up in the air, though, because he has a cold AND a fever.-Deana

Next up in our Thursday evening lecture series: Sergeant Carter of Barracks two will discuss Sioux culture. The lecture will be followed by an arts and crafts section. All prisoners will go home with their own headdress.—Simone

Contributors for this issue: Snooky, Deana, Simone Lyon, Konarciq


	5. May 21, 1943

**The Stalag 13 Gazette**

**Vol. 1, No. 5**

**May 21, 1943**

_From the editor: We have a lot of contributions this week! Seems like everyone loves the camp newsletter. Keep those notices coming in! Corporal Rubinstein, Barracks 12_

**Notices** :

A weekly book club will be meeting in the mess hall, every Tuesday at 1900 hours. First up: Gulliver's Travels. Apparently, most of the 'yahoos' in this camp failed to get the literary reference in last week's newsletter. For shame. We have one copy available, so you'll have to share. The book club will be moderated by Private Winchester, of Barracks 9. (He was an English teacher in civilian life, so this should be good! He promises there will be no tests or quizzes!) -s

From Colonel Klink: All guards are reminded of the mandatory training next week on the "Klink Dipsy Doodle". Due to the high security involved, all prisoners will be confined to barracks to prevent the brilliance of the maneuver from falling into enemy hands. -o

The prisoners would like to wish Kommandant Klink Happy Birthday for the sixth time this year.-o

Colonel Hogan would like to announce that Adolf Andrew Hitler will be doing a book signing in the Rec Hall next Tuesday. He would also like to ask that whoever stole his copy of 'Mein Kampf' return it before then.-o

Colonel Klink would like to point out that the Führer's middle name is NOT Andrew! He is willing to arrange for copies of 'Mein Kampf' to be distributed if requested.-o

A notice to Sergeant Schultz: No, you did not smell pizza coming from Barracks 2 last week. LeBeau refuses to even entertain the idea of making such a ludicrous dish whether you are willing to get the ingredients or not.-o

As part of the ongoing "Beautification of Stalag 13" project, Kommandant Klink would like to announce a mandatory gardening session by all prisoners on Wednesday. It seems he was able to procure a large number of geraniums from Stalag 6 at no cost. Shovels will be numbered and signed in and out.-o

Colonel Klink would like the joker who keeps lowering the Nazi flag to half mast on top of the Kommandantur to step forward. Turn yourself in now or face 30 days in the cooler!-o

If any guards have friends in Communications, the Kommandant is looking for a new radio expert. He promises the Gestapo will not shoot the next one.-o

**Weather report** : Sgt. McMahon reports the coming of sudden high-speed winds for the next few days. "Batten down those hatches fellas, those winds are gonna be strong enough to blow a German plane away!"—h

**From the Kommandant:** The person or persons sending Frau Linkmeyer love letters and signing the Kommandant's name will cease immediately or face dire punishment. What did I ever do to you.-b

**From Colonel Hogan:**

Due to the lack of a Chaplain in the camp, Foster has graciously stepped up to the plate and offered to fulfill the role. He says it shouldn't be too difficult, as his cousin had just been ordained in the priesthood prior to the war and Foster helped him study. When explaining a picture of Father Francis Mulcahy, Foster stated his mother and Francis' father were twins and that is why they are the spitting image of each other. o

**News and Gossip from Hollywood**

Lana Turner annulled her marriage with Stephen Crane on the 4th of February 1943. She remarried him on the 14th of March. –a

The 15th Annual Oscars, hosted by Bob Hope, were held on March 4, 1943 at the Cocoanut Grove, Ambassador Hotel. Here are the major awards.-a

_Note from editor_ : Unfortunately, Colonel Klink got a hold of this list. Sorry.

Best picture: censored

Best actor: James Cagney, Yankee Doodle Dandy

Best actress: censored

Best supporting actor: Van Heflin, Johnny Eager

Best supporting actress: censored

Best original screenplay: Woman of the Year

Best original story: censored

Best screenplay: censored

Best documentary: censored

Best song: White Christmas from Holiday Inn, by censored

_**Gazette sports page:**_  
After three weeks of wondering, the results of this year's Kentucky Derby, which took place on May 1st are finally in:

  
Win: Count Fleet, ridden by J. Longden  
Place: Blue Swords, ridden by J. Adams  
Show: Slide Rule, ridden by L. LeBeau

And the recap:

  
COUNT FLEET began fast, was hustled along until reaching the stretch, shook  
off the bid of GOLD SHOWER and, responding to a shaking up, won handily. BLUE  
SWORDS away well, was in hand until reaching the last half, came determinedly  
when subjected to punishment, but was not good enough for the winner, although  
easily best of the others. SLIDE RULE saved ground while outrun to the final  
half, was blocked when moving up approaching the final turn and, taken out for  
the drive, could not reach the leaders when subjected to punishment. AMBER  
LIGHT raced evenly under restraint until reaching the final half, made a game  
bid entering the stretch, but tired. BANKRUPT, outrun until the final quarter,  
failed to respond when called upon in the stretch. NO WRINKLES, on the outside  
throughout, could not better his position and had no excuses. DOVE PIE swerved  
to the inside after the start and was never a serious contender. GOLD SHOWER,  
much used engaging COUNT FLEET in the first three-quarters, gave way badly  
thereafter. MODEST LAD, bothered slightly after the start by DOVE PIE, was  
always far back. BURNT CORK began fast, displayed good speed in the first  
half and then quit. Scratched- Twoses, Ocean Wave." (from this )-ad

 

Learn Russian in 60 hours! Classes include, but are not limited to, warm greetings and compliments. See Colonel Hogan to sign up.-a

This offer has been rescinded by order of the Kommandant.-a

Contributors for this issue: Buffalo1fromSalem , Oboe11, Hubbles, Aloha64, Snooky, Atarah Derek, if I have forgotten anyone, sorry…I'm a little out of it. Just got back from a college visit in Wash. DC.

_**IF YOU CAN READ THIS, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY APPLIED THE CORRECT AMOUNT OF LEMON JUICE TO THE PAPER, IN ORDER TO GET CLANDESTINE UPDATES. BE SURE TO CHECK EACH ISSUE IN THE FUTURE. There is a supply of lemon juice in Cpl. LeBeau's pantry underneath Barracks two. BURN THIS AFTER READING**_ ….

**WAR NEWS** : German 6th army surrenders at Stalingrad, Feb. 1-2. Nazis trapped on Cape Bon in Africa, May 12. Looks like Africa campaign is over. We have received reports from the Polish underground that uprisings occurred in the Warsaw Ghetto, in January and April.

**Oscar winners** :

Best picture: Mrs. Miniver

Best Actress: Greer Garson, Mrs. Miniver

Best Supporting actress: Teresa Wright, Mrs Miniver

Irving Berlin wrote White Christmas

Best Original Story: Emeric Pressburger, 49th parallel

Best Screenplay :Mrs. Miniver

Best Documentary: there were multiple winners

Kokoda Front Line! (1942) - Australian News and Information Bureau

Moscow Strikes Back (1942) - Artkino

Prelude to War (1943) - U.S. Army Special Services

The Battle of Midway (1942) - U.S. Navy

Colonel Hogan was pleased by the amount of men that volunteered to sign up for the first aid courses. Sgt. Wilson will be starting them immediately and will send around the schedules. Those interested in learning how to give transfusions, please see him immediately.

Sergeant Carter would like to thank everyone who helped dig him out after the tunnel collapse. The fake bomb is on display under tunnel 5.

German language lessons are continuing in tunnel 4, every weekday evening after the last roll call. All are encouraged to attend. No one is allowed out of camp (unless it is for an "escape") for an operation, unless their German is fluent! Colonel Hogan's orders.

Heidi has been removed from duty, as she is expecting puppies! Mazel Tov to both the proud parents and Oskar Schnitzer.

**REMINDER** : the fence is still electrified. We have control over the voltage, if necessary, but it will be on most of the time.

Now that we have practiced evacuation drills, be on your toes. Drills can be called at any time. Barracks chiefs: Make sure all prisoners are aware of all signals. The color notification system is now in effect. To help spread the word throughout camp, particularly if prisoners are on the compound, specific colors will be hung. Hopefully, we will never have to use the system, but we need to be prepared.

Colonel Hogan would like to publicly thank the men that were asked to hide out in the tunnels for several days in order to delay a panzer division. The operation was a success and he appreciates your sacrifice. You definitely saved lives.


	6. May 28, 1943

**The Stalag 13 Gazette**

**Vol. 1, No. 6**

**May 28, 1943**

 

Editor: Corporal Rubinstein, Barracks 12

**Notices** :

Thanks to all who sent get well cards while Colonel Hogan was in the 'hospital'. However, Colonel Klink has confiscated them due to the lack of his own cards while he was there. Colonel Hogan was deeply touched.-k

Newkirk has finally recovered from his illness! As expected, the results of our 'feed a cold, starve a fever' trial were inconclusive, since he had both. Oh well, there's always next time!-d

Sergeant Olsen of Barracks two would like everyone to know that he has never owned nor has ever worn a red shirt and he has no clue how this rumor started.-s

A certain female feline will not wait seven years. (Editor: I have no idea what this means, but the person who put it in my in box, noted that certain members of the camp will get it.)-s

A general, who will remain anonymous and who will not reveal if he is German or with the Allies, threatens anyone who makes any more jokes about his height.-s

Colonel Hogan's reply: I don't care what side he is on, anyone who threatens my men over something so trivial, may find themselves permanently assigned to the motor pool after the war and into the next one!-s

A few reminders from the F.I.N.K. (Firm, Impartial, Nazi Kommandant):-m

Lights must be off by the designated time. Dance lessons at midnight and other such pursuits are not valid excuses for countermanding that order.-m

Due to a recent increase in attempted escapes, I would like to remind the prisoners that there has been NO successful escapes from Stalag 13. So, why waste time trying? If you need something to occupy your time, speak with your barracks' guard. I'm sure we can find more industrious activities to keep you occupied.-m

Rumors circulating about the camp that Sergeant Schultz or I have been transferred to the Russian Front are totally unfounded. If something that unfortunate should occur, I'll be among the first to know…At least, I think I'll be among the first to know.-m

The guards are reminded that all issues of the Stalag 13 Gazette are to be read while off duty. No matter how informative the newsletter might be, it is impossible to keep your eyes on the prisoners and the paper at the same time. We do have a reputation to maintain. Any guard caught disregarding the above order will be assigned an additional shift as punishment.-m

During the latest camp audit, it was noted that our ammunition is being utilized at an alarmingly high rate when compared with that of other POW camps. The amount necessary to restock our supplies reduces the amount available for our combat troops. Please be frugal and fire your weapons only  
when absolutely necessary.-m

And finally, I would like to remind EVERYONE-pay attention, Hogan-that when I leave instructions that I am not to be disturbed, **I AM NOT TO BE DISTURBED**. I'm likely buried in paperwork or performing some other necessary function as Camp Kommandant. Contrary to what some of you might believe, a  
Kommandant's life is not one of leisure.—m

**CORRECTION**

The Gazette would like to correct an error made in last week's publication. The third place Kentucky Derby horse was ridden by C. McCreary, not L. LeBeau.  
We would also like to issue an apology to Cpl. LeBeau on behalf of Pvt. Derek about the reference to the former's height. It seems the corporal was quite  
upset by this last-minute change made prior to the final printing (without the editor's knowledge or consent). LeBeau maintains that he is "Three inches too  
tall to be a jockey.-ad

**CLANDESTINE NEWS-BURN AFTER READING:**

Colonel Hogan's responses to Klink's notices:-m

Lights out and all other activities will proceed as before. We all know who's really running this camp.

We've had no problem remaining industrious on our own. So far this week, we have already managed to help move seventeen packages.

Thanks to all who keep those rumors circulating. An apprehensive Klink and Schultz are easily manipulated.

So, they're using a lot of ammunition, are they? Awww. We'll co-operate and remain our frugal selves whenever we need gunpowder, won't we, fellows?

Finally, I'd like to assure everyone that I'll continue to be just as vigilant in relaying our requests to the Kommandant. I have no qualms about interrupting his look at the latest girlie magazine or rendezvous with his newest Fräulein. If the Kommandant thinks his job is difficult, he should have mine.

General Biedenbender wishes to thank Colonel Hogan and his men for a smooth flight on Stalag 13 Airlines while bombing his factory.-ch

**A review of warning signals.-s**

**If you see these colors hung throughout camp, be prepared to make your move. These have been reviewed at all drills and barracks meetings.**

**Green** -break out the champagne, the Germans have surrendered.

**Blue** -another bozo reporter has almost spilled the beans. Be alert for further instructions.

**Yellow** -Colonel Hogan has been removed for questioning. Be alert for further instructions.

**Checkered** -Colonel Crittendon is in camp or has been seen in vicinity.

**Orange** -Residents of B arracks two, particularly all staff, are in imminent danger. Everyone: Return to barracks and start packing.

**Red** -We've been caught red-handed. Go to nearest fence or tunnel exit and leave immediately.

**Rumor control** : there is a rumor currently circulating that certain awards will soon be distributed. For what? Who knows! The editor is vigilantly tracking down this rumor and will report on it further, if necessary.

**News: -s**

We are sorry to report that we have had word from the Polish underground that the uprising in the Warsaw ghetto has been defeated.

A new musical by Rogers and Hammerstein recently opened on Broadway. It is called "Oklahoma." We think, obviously, that it is about Oklahoma, but that's all we know. We'll try and get more info.

On May 19th Winston Churchill addressed a joint session of Congress in the United States. He pledged England's full support to U.S. against Japan

April 13: FDR dedicated the Jefferson memorial

Contributors for this issue: Atarah Derek, ColHogan, Snooky, Marleen, General Kinchmeyer, Deana


	7. June 4, 1943

**The Stalag 13 Gazette**

**Vol. 1, No. 7**

**June 4, 1943**

Editor: Corporal Rubinstein, Barracks 12

**From Colonel Hogan** : Kudos go out to all of those men who participated in our talent show! I know it happened rather quickly, but it was a great success. Sergeant Carter, who was in the infirmary with the flu, promises to sing in the next one!-s

In a related note: The Kommandant wants to know if Kinch, LeBeau and Newkirk are free to perform for all visiting guests.-ch

No winners yet in the "What does the 'J' stand for in Andrew J. Carter?" contest. You've got till next Friday. It's a nickel a guess and the pot is up to $2.15- h

Quick message from Sgt. Olsen, barracks two: I'm partial to blue shirts!-s

Colonel Hogan would like to announce this month's winners of the camp-wide essay contest:--h

It's a tie! Co-first place contestants are Cpl. Jim Hubble of Barracks Seven and Barracks Two's own Cpl. Peter Newkirk. Cpl. Hubble picked the first of the two given themes ("Why I Think the Nazis Are Not the Superior Race") for his essay: "Aryan Purity: The Nazis Decide To Become Inbred", while Cpl. Newkirk chose the alternate theme of "Why We Need to Keep Fighting" for his winning entry: "The Thousand Year Reich: Ten Bloody Centuries of Nothing But Nazi-Approved Entertainment". The judges' panel was particularly swayed by his eloquent argument about the sheer awfulness of the Horst Wessel song.

Congratulations to both winners! Prizes include five chocolate bars apiece, a bar of soap each, and one month in the cooler, the last courtesy of Kommandant Klink.

**Notes for next month's contest** : Colonel Hogan has agreed to the Kommandant's 'suggestion' that the essay topics be of a less inflammatory nature. Therefore, acting on the Kommandant's further suggestion that the prisoners could perhaps compare the qualities they admire in different German leaders, it has been decided that next month's theme will be "Goering or Goebbels: Who's the Lesser Gas Bag?"

Colonel Hogan wants everybody to know that Little Deer Who Runs Swift and Sure Through Forest is available to give archery lessons to anyone who wants to learn. Guards are also welcome.-ch

Kommandant Klink wants everybody to know that all weapons, including bows and arrows, have been confiscated!-s

Colonel Hogan has demanded an apology from Klink for thinking he smuggled in a British spy under the Gestapo's nose and flew him out in a balloon. –ch

The Colonel says: "The Kommandant needs a vacation for thinking of something so utterly ridiculous. Flying out someone in a balloon. Really!"—s

The Kommandant emphatically states that he does not need a vacation. (We all know how well his last one went)-s

Kommandant Klink does not want to be wished "happy birthday" again this year. And this goes particularly for Sgt Carter!-k

Col Hogan´s reaction: "I thought leading the toughest POW camp in Nazi Germany would age a man a year every month!"-k

Sgt Schultz would like to know if and when the prisoners will throw HIM a birthday party for a change. He´ll charge no candy bars for getting supplies.—k

**BURN THE FOLLOWING AFTER READING-AND WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF LEMON JUICE: NEXT WEEK'S SECRET ISSUE CAN BE READ BY USING COFFEE OR TEA**

**Rumor** : Cpl. LeBeau and Cpl. Newkirk are not talking. **True.** LeBeau is mad at Newkirk for insulting his acting ability. Quote: "I 'ave never seen such a display of over-acting in me entire life!" This apparently occurred during the General Schmidt fake illness scam in Barracks two. The coup de grace was LeBeau's backwards roll. LeBeau claims he is a chef, not James Cagney, and that Newkirk should apologize.-s

Update on Schmidt. He did get to England safely, along with his escort, and he is being very cooperative with the Allies. Rumors have it that after the war, he will be given a new identity, with a new last name. Mudd.-s

**Rumor** : **Awards.** **Apparently true**. Colonel Hogan has issued something called the Papa Bear awards to certain prisoners for going above and beyond their duty. These may appear meaningless, but in the long run, and since they are coming from him, it's the thought that counts.-s

Colonel Hogan: "Wrong, Wrong, Wrong. The prisoners that started this rumor will be severely punished and will be transferred out lickedty split to another stalag".-s

The Baroness that recently spent time in camp was successfully flown to England. She sends her regards and thanks to all the boys, and hopes that Colonel Crittenden is safely back in his old stalag.-s

Colonel Hogan assures everyone that Wagner will never again be played in the camp as long as he has something to say about it.-s

Major Bonacelli is still sending his 'pizza reports.' Things are not looking good for Italy. Stay tuned.-s

Colonel Hogan is still waiting for Freddy to pick up his medal of the Legion of Merit with the peanut cluster.-ch

Contributors for this issue: snooky, konarciq, Colhogan, hubbles


	8. August 1, 1943

**Chapter 8: August 1, 1943**

**The Stalag 13 Gazette**

**Vol. 1, No. 8**

**August 1, 1943**

 

_**Editor: Corporal Rubinstein, Barracks 12** _

No one will be taking the "A train" around here for a while. Recent explosions along the tracks and the destruction of actual trains have created chaos in the local transportation system. The shockwave unfortunately destroyed several of Kommandant Klink's pieces of artwork. He was hoping to sell some more of his work at a local gallery. It is indeed a loss for humanity. The shockwave also unfortunately broke our printing press. That explains the gap in publication. But we are now up and running.

Colonel Hogan had a really bad day earlier this week. Seems he returned from Berlin in a pretty bad mood, most likely due to a horrendous period of questioning by some Abwehr dude. However, he did manage to tell this reporter, that if he appears a bit grumpy, not to take it personally.

Speaking of trains, Colonel Hogan, of course, is relieved to be back at Stalag 13 after being transferred out. "First, I had a bad day in the German capital, then the train I was supposed to be on blew up! Good thing we got a flat!" How is he handling the close call? "#$%& happens."

Kommandant Klink is sorry that Colonel Hogan had a bad day in Berlin, but reminds everyone that his kidnapping at the hands of uncivilized underground agents was extremely stressful.

In a related note: A group of prisoners and guards, concerned about litter, recycled the hundreds of balled up pieces of paper later found in the Kommandant's office. If you straighten out the paper, you can use the back for letters, drawings etc. Just ignore the code-breaking attempts on the front.

 **From Colonel Hogan** : "Uniform inspections will begin immediately. Anyone with loose buttons will have one day to sew them on-tightly. No exceptions! "

From Kommandant Klink: "It's about time. I'm trying to run a disciplined and well-dressed camp!"

Anyone over the age of 7, who can figure out a more entertaining way of playing checkers, please report to the morale officer!

 **Colonel Hogan** : We are still working on the helicopter ride to London. The helicopter is courtesy of Adolf Hitler. Please stay tuned for further instructions.-K

 **Colonel Klink** : HOGAN! Any man who tries to escape will be punished with 60 days in the cooler! And you CANNOT use a Lufftwaffe helicopter! Or Adolf Hitler's personal helicopter! -K

 **MYSTERY SOLVED** : A while ago a savvy group of prisoners noticed the brick steps at the Kommandanteur were replaced by wood. Why, after all the work and effort? It appears that this past winter, everyone found the bricks to be treacherous. After numerous slips and falls, particularly by an irate General, the bricks were removed by a work detail and replaced. The prisoners removed the bricks to a much safer location. The Kommandant thanks everyone for their cooperation.-s

**SECRET INFORMATION BELOW: BURN AFTER READING! NOTE….WE WILL BE RETURNING TO THE CITRUS METHOD OF DECIPHERING THESE NEWSLETTERS NEXT WEEK. COLONEL HOGAN HAS ORDERED A LEMON DROP.**

From Colonel Hogan: The bricks were removed and put in a safer location. Funny, how it always seemed to be the Germans that kept slipping!

Calling all prisoners with artistic abilities! Report to main tunnel for big project. Escape maps that had been removed from all of those Monopoly boards are now ready to be copied! For those prisoners upset at the loss of the Monopoly games, a backgammon tournament has begun in the rec. hall.

"It's Freddy's birthday! For anyone who wishes to send him a gift, talk to Cpl. Newkirk who will be visiting the zoo soon, and also presenting the Legion of Merit to him."-Simone

Requests to change our code system from fairy tales to something a little more manly, like sports, have been denied. London was not amused.-s

Update on color system.-s

White-Female white Russian has been spotted. LeBeau stays, everyone else, hide.

 **News** :--s

June 1 British actor Leslie Howard was killed when his plane was shot down by German fighter planes over the Bay of Biscay. He had been on a 5 week tour in Spain and Portugal, where he had been speaking on behalf of the Allies. Allied command is sure that this was a deliberate attack, possibly ordered by Goebbels. Mr. Howard was known for playing Ashley Wilkes in Gone with the Wind, as well as other notable roles.

July 1 the U.S. gov't has started directly withholding income taxes from wages. Don't worry, Sergeant Carter: Your short service in the German army is exempt!

July 10 Allied troops have landed in Sicily

July 24 Hamburg was bombed

July 25 We have confirmed reports that Italian dictator Mussolini has quit. The fascists have been overthrown and it appears that the new government is beginning peace talks!

Contributors for this issue: General Kinchmeyer, Simone Lyon, Snooky


	9. August 8, 1943

**Chapter 9: August 8, 1943**

**The Stalag 13 Gazette**

**Vol. 1, No. 9**

**August 8, 1943**

 

_**Editor: Corporal Rubinstein, Barracks 12** _

**Tidbits from the Hammelburg News**

_(translations by Cpl. Langenscheidt)_

The Hammelburg hospitality industry has been having a run of bad luck lately. There have been two reported fires in two separate hotels. A local eating establishment had a break-in, and a General (who shall remain anonymous) went on a tirade at another local hotel. During the break-in, the two elderly proprietors were overcome and left tied up and blind-folded in a storage room, while the perpetrators went about their nefarious business. So far, the police have no leads and the owners are not sure what was taken, although it looks like the men broke into the bottle of Schnapps behind the bar. -s

In the hotel incident, the General caused an undisclosed amount of damage in the lobby.. Apparently, when desk clerks did not provide fast enough service, the officer "lost his temper" and destroyed half of the lobby. He then threatened everyone in the room with a trip to the Russian Front. Gestapo Chief, Wolfgang Hochstetter, citing self-preservation, has refused to investigate this incident.—s

Recall notice: Cigarette lighters. This product has been recalled due to a manufacturing problem. These lighters, which resemble an actual pistol, are defective. They may shoot actual bullets instead of butane. Return to place of purchase for full refund.

**Notices:**

_Missing_ : One set of Lieutenant's bars. If found, please return to Sergeant Carter, Barracks two.-s

 _Game night_ : In place of our Thursday night lecture series, for the rest of the month, Corporal Newkirk will be hosting a game night in the rec. hall.-s

Colonel Hogan wishes to thank Colonel Klink for allowing him and his men to partake in the German truck bar-b-que during evening roll call.—ch

 **Rumor** : Colonel Hogan is a train buff! **Yes, the rumor is true!** In fact, he encourages everyone, especially German generals whose last name begins with the letter B, to take the train, rather than fly! -s

Colonel Hogan requests Colonel Klink's permission to have another jam session. If granted, he promises to allow Klink to join in with his violin.—ch

Kommandant Klink would like to thank Colonel Hogan for his kind offer. He will agree, but only if he is allowed to play Wagner.—s

Colonel Hogan states that Wagner is not suitable and suggests John Phillip Sousa, or Benny Goodman.-s

Corporal LeBeau requests permission to tell fortunes of the other prisoners and the guards after evening roll call.-ch

Kommandant Klink has denied permission for this stunt. Only the Fuhrer is allowed to dabble in the occult.-s

The Adolf Hitler division would like to extend their thanks to Major Hoople for his generous donation.-s

 **Notice to all prisoners from Colonel Hogan** :-s

I have reported for my physical. I realize I was setting a bad example for the men. Despite the numerous stories circulating throughout the camp, I am not, nor was I ever an uncooperative patient. I have just been extremely busy running this camp and handling "other" issues.

 **Notice to all prisoners from Sergeant Wilson** :-s

Yes, my rank has been reinstated, thank you very much. Colonel Hogan did indeed report for his physical and he was found to be in good health and sent away with a lollipop.

 **Notice to all prisoners and guards from Kommandant Klink** :-s

Colonel Hogan DOES NOT run this camp. I am in charge. Despite what everyone thinks!

By order of General Burkhalter: All geraniums are to be removed from all Stalags immediately, due to allergies. If he ever discovers who started this insane "Beautification of the Stalag" project, they will be shot! Apparently, a sneezing General is not a happy General.-o

Fraulein Hilda requests whoever borrowed one of her hooped earrings to return it immediately. She has a hot date Saturday night in the backseat of a car-o

**BURN THE FOLLOWING AFTER READING!**

We need extra help with our counterfeit operation. We just spent 5500 marks in one day bailing out Klink. Interested parties, report to main tunnel.-s

Colonel Hogan suggests that anybody who liked Col. Crittendon's plan of planting geraniums along the runways for planes must see Sergeant Wilson at once for a checkup.—ch

Nimrod Pool: Still accepting wagers for guesses at his/her secret identity. Right now, odds on favorite is General Burkhalter. Hilda is a close second, followed by Major Hochstetter and Sergeant Schultz. Klink is dead last.—s

Contributors for this issue: ColHogan, Oboe, Snooky


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: October 27, 1943

Stalag 13 Gazette

Vol. 1, No. 10

October 27, 1943

Editor: Corporal Rubinstein, Barracks 12

We apologize for the gap in publication. Too many guards and prisoners were neglecting their duties, so Kommandant Klink confiscated our press for several weeks. Then, Colonel Hogan struck a bargain and agreed to cease publication for a few more weeks instead of having Corporal LeBeau, Corporal Newkirk and Sergeant Carter spend 30 days in the cooler for a foolish escape attempt.

Notices:

Lots of thanks going around in this issue: How touching!

Colonel Hogan has promised Colonel Klink that his men will not finish painting his office until he honors the bill he presented the Kommandant for the job they did on the Luftwaffe headquarters. –ch

Kommandant Klink wishes to thank Colonel Hogan for his assistance in getting rid of Sergeant Franks.—ch

Colonel Hogan would like to thank Sgt. Schultz for arranging his dates with the lovely and entertaining Baroness.-s

Kommandant Klink would like to warn Sgt. Schultz, that any other such indiscretions would be immediately and severely punished with a trip to the Eastern Front.-s

Sgt. Schultz would like to say that he was just following orders.-s

Kommandant Klink would like to say: "Mmmph!"—s

A belated thanks from Colonel Hogan to General Biedenbender for wishing him happy birthday. Thought it was very nice of him despite not giving him a present.—ch

Note from editor: There is a dispute on how old Colonel Hogan actually is. He won't reveal his age, and Hilda, who has access to the prisoner records won't reveal it, either.

And while we are on the subject of belated thank you's…. Colonel Hogan wishes to thank Sergeant Schultz for letting him and his men to build a snowman the way they do in Bullfrog, North Dakota-ch.

Colonel Hogan thanks Sergeant Wilson for the lollipop for showing up for his physical, although next time he would prefer a different flavor. (Green is not my color, he says).—ch/s

Sgt. Wilson would like to say to Colonel Hogan. "Don't push it! Sir."—s

General Stauffen wishes to thank Colonel Hogan for saving his life when he was visiting.-ch

Rumors that an SS division was recently decimated during war games due to faulty fake ammunition are unfounded, according to the SS. Anyone spreading such lies will be shot. However, this reporter has discovered that a few witnesses are brave enough to come forward. One such witness reports pleas for blood donations and an emergency call-up for all medical personnel in Hammelburg. Another says: "If this had happened in America, someone would have had their pants sued off of them".-s

YOU KNOW THE DRILL: BURN AFTER READING!

Rumor control: Colonel Hogan got plastered the other night at one of Klink's soirees and passed out on the Kommandant's bed. NOT TRUE: Colonel Hogan only pretended to get drunk and pass out on the bed. Our outside man, Sgt. Olsen, who was inside at the time, took Colonel Hogan's place inside so the Colonel could go outside. Got that? Mission successful!-s

Regarding the Baroness: Colonel Hogan knew immediately it was a trap, and took advantage of Major Hochstetter's eavesdropping plan by using the Baroness to help pass fake invasion plans to the Germans. The Commando, whose name will remain secret, but who bears an uncanny resemblance to my cousin John, the anesthesiologist, made it home safely.-s

Update on Nimrod pool: Guess the identity! For some reason we have a newcomer this week. It seems that our beloved inept officer, Colonel Crittendon, has overtaken the lead. Who would have thought?-s

More Thank you notes!

Colonel Hogan wishes to thank Malcolm Flood for not jeopardizing Colonel Klink's 'no escape' record by returning to camp.—ch

.  
Sergeant Schultz thanks Colonel Hogan for his good advice regarding women when he had a date with a female Gestapo agent.—ch

Colonel Hogan and Sergeant Kinchloe wish to thank Colonel Klink for letting them secretly travel to Paris when he went there on a recent trip-ch

HaHaHa. Thought you all would get a laugh out of that one. If the Kommandant only knew. By the way, men, this was a very dangerous assignment and the Colonel and Kinch were almost recognized. Plus, The Colonel was forced to be quiet for an extended period of time. No easy task.-ch

Colonel Hogan requests that no more Russian pilots be brought to camp. They never seem to follow his orders. In the future, send them directly to the sub.—ch

Private Lizzi, please report to editor for correspondence instructions. Set up a profile, so I can contact you!

WAR NEWS! FROM ITALY! WAR NEWS! FROM ITALY!

This information and the dates have been verified!

September 8: Word came that Italy has surrendered!

September 11: The Germans occupied Rome and the next day, they apparently rescued Mussolini, who on September 23rd re-established his Fascist government.

October 1st. We have word that Allies have entered Naples! Confirmed separately by Major Bonacelli.

October 13. It now appears that Italy has declared war on Germany! It appears we have a new partner in our fight against Fascism.

Oct 13, 1943 - Italy declares war on Germany

Contributors for this issue: ColHogan, Snooky


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: December 5, 1943

Stalag 13 Gazette

Vol. 1, No. 11

December 5, 1943

Editor: Corporal Rubinstein, Barracks 12

Again; sorry for the gap in publication. This time it's the ink shortage. I don't think we will be able to keep up our weekly service in the future. We'll get the Gazette out to everyone when we can!

NOTICES:

Corporal Newkirk managed to get a peek at Colonel Hogan's birth date, thanks to his magic fingers, and will be hosting a betting pool. Anyone who wants to participate, can see him anytime. Guards also welcome.—d

From the Kommandant: Newkirk will be serving 3 days in the cooler as a punishment for pick-pocketing. Colonel Hogan will not be getting him out of this one!-s

A debate club has been started and the first debate will be held in the recreation hall this Friday. It will be between a selected group of five Europeans and five Americans on the topic Football or Fütbol: Which is the Tougher and More Exciting Game? The fee is one cigarette per man, and this fund will be going to the "Bribe a Guard Foundation". On behalf of those who run that foundation (their names will not be disclosed for obvious reasons) they would like to say that any other donations that are more valuable, like candy bars, soap, etc, are welcome. In my opinion, if you're stupid enough to give up those extra donations, you should become a guard.-sl

Note from Kommandant Klink: "I will be conducting an investigation of this so called "Bribe a Guard Foundation", and those who are guilty will spend thirty days in the cooler. And I do not appreciate my guards being called stupid."

Note from Colonel Hogan: "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Note from Kommandant Klink: "I would advise Colonel Hogan to be more careful about what he thinks of my investigative abilities."

Note from the rest of the prisoners: "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Note from Sergeant Schultz: "For anyone attending the debate, I like American cigarettes the best."

Colonel Hogan was excited to receive a postcard from England from Captain Metzler announcing the marriage between him and his girlfriend. When asked by the Kommandant why Metzler would send him a postcard, Hogan's response was "I used to date the bride."—ch

Colonel Hogan demands an apology from Major Hochstetter for all the times he's accused him of being a saboteur and spy when one of the Gestapo and the Kommandant both met Hogan's look-alike at the recent birthday bash for a Field Marshal. Major Hochstetter's response to Hogan's request was "BAH!"-ch

Colonel Hogan also insists on an apology from Major Prust of the Gestapo regarding the same accusations. There's been no response from Major Prust as he's busy trying to track down the Colonel's look-alike, Captain Erik Scharfstein.-ch

THANK YOU NOTICES:

Colonel Hogan thanks Colonel Klink for letting them use a tape recorder to send messages to their loved ones.

Colonel Klink wishes to thank Colonel Hogan and Sergeant Baker for recording his musical group's violin music and sending the record to London. When he inquired of Colonel Hogan after two weeks of having heard nothing, Colonel Hogan's reply was "Maybe they wanted more popular music. Something like "Off We Go Into the Wild Blue Yonder."—ch

AND EVEN MORE NOTICES:

Colonel Hogan offers a belated congratulations to Kommandant Klink for being selected "Kommandant of the Year.-ch

Corporal Newkirk accepts the apology from Sergeant Schultz for giving him a hernia when he had to carry the Sergeant back to camp in a wheelbarrel when he got drunk while taking the Corporal to the dentist in town.-ch

Colonel Hogan wishes to thank his men for the pair of brown speedos they gave him for his last birthday. He wants them to know he appreciated it much more than the present (they know what it was) they wanted to give him last year.—ch

Although, on second thought, he has no idea when he would wear them, considering it always seems to be winter around here.-s

The boys of barracks two request that Sergeant Schultz NEVER wear his speedo again.-b

Sergeant Wilson wants to assure the prisoners that Colonel Hogan checks out just fine after his examination for short-term memory loss. The Colonel reported the last thing he recalled was being at the beach with Hilda and Helga and nothing after that until returning to camp. When asked off-the-record what caused Colonel Hogan's short-term memory loss, Sergeant Wilson admitted it was seeing Sergeant Schultz in a speedo—ch

Kommandant Klink wants to know: What do you mean he was at the beach with my secretaries?-s

Sgt. Wilson and Col. Hogan would like to assure the Kommandant, that the Colonel never left camp, but the sight of seeing Schultz in a speedo, not only caused a memory loss, but hallucinations.-s

Burn after reading

Important note from Colonel Hogan: I have been hearing "rumors" around camp, that some men are disappointed by the lack of action, or that only certain men are involved in operations. Yes, it does seem that only 20 men live here… I thought this was obvious, but I will repeat it; major operations are handled by a minimum amount of personnel for the safety of the rest of the men in camp. However, just by being here, you are all in danger if the operation is discovered. If anyone has a problem with this, I will speak with them personally.—s

And while we are on the subject of danger: Colonel Hogan had come to the conclusion that London had sent Colonel Crittendon to interfere with his activities by mistake. When contacted by the Colonel for an explanation, the Allied High Command said they actually sent Crittendon to Germany hoping he do for the Germans what he's done for them...screw up everything.—ch

War news: We have heard reports of island-hopping in the Pacific Theater. The Marines have landed on Bougainville Island in the Solomons, and on Tarawa. The Army landed on Makin Island in the Gilberts. Unfortunately, the cost was high. There were thousands of casualties. Meanwhile, the Allies are still setting their sights on liberating all of Italy. We have heard rumors that German Field Marshal Kesselring has been appointed commander-in-chief of all German forces in Italy, while Rommel has left his command to organise the Atlantic wall.-s

There will be a 'contest' to see who has been a POW the longest. The winner will receive a weekend pass into Hammelburg and our homemade Reichmarks to support a dinner for two (the second person can be your choice of a pre-chosen (for safety reasons) pretty Fraulein from town). If you wish to participate, write down your date of capture and turn it into Sergeant Carter. You do not have to have been in Stalag 13 for your entire stay, either. Please, if you know you don't have a chance, don't enter. That's a lot of notes for Carter to go through. Finally, don't bother cheating because Hilda can easily check the prisoners' records.-sl

Contributors for this issue: Deana, Bits and Pieces, ColHogan, Simone Lyon, Snooky


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: February 28, 1944

Stalag 13 Gazette

Vol. 2, No. 1

February 28, 1944

Editor: Corporal Rubinstein, Barracks 12

Brrr. It's cold! Our printing press froze, but we finally got it thawed out and it's now working! And so we are able to bring you another edition of our camp newsletter!

First, a belated Happy New Year and Happy Holidays to all of you still stuck in this hellhole! Time does fly when you're not having fun.

Notices:

Everyone would like to wish Cpl. LeBeau a Happy Chinese New Year!—nn

And on the topic of Cpl. LeBeau: Why is Cpl. LeBeau hopping mad and "on strike"? Well, it appears that the chef was recently tapped to prepare a meal for a group of uncouth German "hot-shots" who were invited for dinner in the Kommandant's quarters. A general, who was served a bowl of soup, complained that the "soup was cold." To which LeBeau replied: "You, (expletive deleted), German's don't know anything about fine dining! As everyone in this camp obviously knows, Gazpacho soup is served cold! Fortunately, Colonel Hogan and Kommandant Klink prevented the Corporal from being shot right then and there, but he did serve 3 days in the cooler, a sentence that this reporter believes was totally unwarranted.-s

Colonel Hogan requests the next time the Gestapo wants to take over a POW camp for their own purposes, he suggests they find another camp somewhere else.-ch

Corporal Newkirk is upset because Colonel Klink refuses to pay him for his legal assistance in the case against a German officer accused of treason.-ch

Colonel Hogan requests the next time the Germans try to make it look like the war has ended to give him advance notice so he can escape before he finds out it's a charade. At least he believes he could enjoy himself before learning of the bad news.-ch

Colonel Hogan requests from Kommandant Klink, that the next time there is a gas station built outside the camp, he be made aware. When asked why, Hogan replied he and the men would pump the gas and clean the windshields for half the profits of those vehicles they service.-ch

Corporal LeBeau is still upset. Major Hochstetter still hasn't paid him for the dance lessons he gave him.-ch

From Colonel Hogan: Newkirk's betting pool regarding my birth date has hereby been canceled. Furthermore, if the date is 'accidentally' revealed, I might accidentally reveal something myself, such as the fact that Newkirk sleeps with a teddy bear.-d

From Corporal Newkirk: I DO NOT!—d

BURN AFTER READING!

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm still trying to get over our recent evacuation orders. When I heard the news, I almost, well never mind. Fortunately, for everyone, as Colonel Hogan later said, "we got two Nazis for the price of one!" All prisoners who made it past the perimeter were corralled and made it back in time for roll call. Now, all of the prisoners in camp realize that Colonel Hogan was willing to sacrifice himself for us, and we will never forget that!-s

From Colonel Hogan: Regarding the evacuation order: I am proud of every single one of you. The orders went out and everything went according to plan. I am grateful to my staff for implementing the plan and for making sure that everyone else would be out before they left. Guys, don't forget to get your stuff back from Schultz and if anyone, anyone at all, knows anything whatsoever about something called the Manhattan Project, please see me immediately.-s

And now back to our regularly scheduled notices:

The Mid-Atlantic Prisoner Association recently spent the day in Hammelburg, thanks to a pass granted to them by Colonel Hogan for going above and beyond their call of duty. The four lucky recipients (I was one of them!) had a nice lunch and spent the day sightseeing. And of course, they all spoke fluent German, otherwise there would have been no pass….Duh…..pictures of their adventure will soon be posted on the secret bulletin board.-s

Colonel Hogan has requested that London let them know when one of their agents is going to be attending a banquet before he and the men rig centerpieces to explode. It would make life simpler and reduce stress.-ch

Tiger and Hilda would like to see Colonel Hogan model a pair of his brown Speedos for them on their next dates with him.—ch

While this editor has promised to print any notices thrown into the "in" box, secret or otherwise, this editor is beginning to get a little tired of the Speedo references and requests that the prisoners find something else to write and think about. Colonel Hogan seconds this request.

General Barton has issued a blanket apology to the entire camp.-s

General Tillman is sorry for giving everyone a bad first impression.—s

Weird Rumor: Trying to get this verified, but word is going around that Colonel Crittendon has actually successfully escaped, been returned to friendly territory, and is now studying to be a witch doctor! Personally, I think this is a little odd, but with him, you never know.—Colonel Hogan states that he doesn't care what occupation Crittendon takes up, as long as he stays away from him.—s

All's well that ends well: Sgt. Carter thanks everyone for their get well wishes when he got sick a while ago, after he stripped and went fishing in the well. Colonel Hogan has promised to ask London to drop a wet suit.—s

WAR NEWS:

Some old news we missed: Now verified!

Nov 6, 1943 - Russians recapture Kiev in the Ukraine.

Nov 18, 1943 - Large British air raid on Berlin.

The Latest from Europe: also verified!

Dec 24-26 - Soviets launch offensives on the Ukrainian front.

Jan 6, 1944 - Soviet troops advance into Poland.

Jan 17, 1944- First attack toward Cassino, Italy.

Jan 22, 1944 - Allies land at Anzio.

Jan 27, 1944 - Leningrad relieved after a 900-day siege.

Feb 15-18 - Allies bomb the monastery at Monte Cassino

Feb 16, 1944 - Germans counter-attack against the Anzio beachhead.

And in the Pacific: the Allies are still island-hopping.

Contributors for this issue, ColHogan, Deana, Newkirk's Nymph, and Snooky

War news from Historyplacedotnet.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: April 30, 1944

Stalag 13 Gazette

Vol. 2, No. 2

April 30, 1944

Editor: Corporal Rubinstein, Barracks 12

Okay, stop complaining about the printing delays. This is a free subscription, so knock it off! This time, there was a paper shortage.

NOTICES:

For sale: One box: genuine fake diamonds –best offer. Never been scratched!

Colonel Hogan would like to thank the Kommandant for not turning him over to the Gestapo for more questioning after the Hegel incident.

Kommandant Klink says that he is capable of interrogating and handing out his own punishments. Besides, he relished the opportunity to say "fire!"

Colonel Hogan would like to ask the Kommandant if he remembered that he and his men were actually in the barn when he ordered his guards to fire.

The Kommandant has yet to offer a reply.

Sgt. Schultz would like to thank Colonel Hogan for giving him the opportunity to boss around the Kommandant when the Kommandant went out on the work detail, dressed as a guard!

Klink asks: Was that humiliation really necessary?

And furthermore!

Colonel Hogan is insisting that no more prisoners with the last name of Williams be allowed to set foot in the camp.

Sickbay report: (I know it's the infirmary and this is not the Navy, but I think Sickbay sounds better.)

Colonel Hogan was forced to spend a few days in the infirmary after suffering a concussion. How this happened is a mystery, but rumor has it that he is too embarrassed to say. We think it may have something to do with his hobby of tossing baseballs on the roof. Perhaps he missed! Believe it or not, Kommandant Klink was actually unaware of how hard baseballs were…

Corporal Marshall Brady, Barracks six, had his nose broken recently when he got clobbered by a poorly thrown football. When the errant pigskin hit his face, he was heard screaming, "My nose! My nose!" Which is not something you would expect to hear from a fellow soldier, let me tell you! Anyway, Sgt. Wilson assures everyone that the swelling will go down and no plastic surgery is necessary.

Several prisoners required stitches after being cut on the barbed wire fence. Were they trying to escape? No! They were on a work detail. What Kommandant would require prisoners to repair a fence that was holding them inside? Colonel Hogan is filing a complaint with the Red Cross, stating that there has to be something somewhere in the Geneva Convention about this issue.

Rumor mill: Colonel Hogan doesn't smoke! True! So why does he continue to swipe the Kommandant's cigars? Because he can! Actually, he does admit he sometimes does take a puff here and there, but that it's just for show.

We heard through the grapevine that Kommandant Klink received a personal note from Hitler, thanking him for a case of mineral water?

Utter surprise and shock struck the camp last week in the recreation hall when the winner of the Major Hochstetter sound-a-like contest was announced. Yes, by now you all know that the winner was our own Kommandant! When presented with the certificate, Klink announced, "I hate that man," then said, "You never heard that!" The Kommandant took the certificate and burned it.

News from Hollywood:

Academy Awards:

(The Kommandant decided not to censor this like the last time. He said we won't be seeing these anyway, so it isn't an issue.)

1943 Oscars were held at Grauman's Chinese Theatre on March 2, 1944, Host: Jack Benny

Major Winners:

Best picture: Casablanca

Best actor: Paul Lukas, Watch on the Rhine

Best actress: Jennifer Jones, Song of Bernadette

Supporting actor: Charles Coburn, The More the Merrier

Supporting actress: Katina Paxinou, For whom the Bell Tolls

BURN AFTER READING:

Sergeant Wilson reports that Colonel Hogan will be fine after suffering a concussion while out on a mission. Seems he got hit with a chair by a member of the Underground. Ouch! The Colonel jokes that he has never once missed a baseball rolling off of a roof.

Infractions: Colonel Hogan has agreed to let the men hand out punishments for certain minor infractions.

First up: To Cpl. LeBeau for the "little old lady" ruse. LeBeau will be forced to eat Newkirk's cooking for three days.

And… To Cpl. Newkirk for allowing a female Gestapo informant into the tunnel system. He'll be forced to cook AND listen to LeBeau's insults. Plus, he had to put the floor of the barracks back together.

(Colonel Hogan states, "yes, this was a real serious infraction and he could have been court-martialed or thrown off the team, and I'm dealing with it, but we all think he deserved something extra from the other men.")

Nimrod pool update! Cpl. Langenscheidt and Frau Linkmeyer have now received votes. And someone appears to be pushing our own Cpl. Newkirk as the British agent. To which Newkirk replies: "Are you all daft?"

We have received formal verification that Colonel Hogan's birthday is indeed July 13th. (although I thought this was a given, considering that the men in Barracks two tried to give him an ammo dump on that date a few years ago.) Still hoping for a year. Perhaps Tiger can get it out of him!

WAR NEWS!

March 4, 1944 - Soviet troops begin an offensive on the Belorussian front; First major daylight bombing raid on Berlin by the Allies.

March 15, 1944 - Second Allied attempt to capture Monte Cassino begins.

March 18, 1944 - British drop 3000 tons of bombs during an air raid on Hamburg, Germany.

April 8, 1944 - Soviet troops begin an offensive to liberate Crimea.

And in the Pacific:

March 5, 1944 - Gen. Wingate's groups begin operations behind Japanese lines in Burma.  
March 15, 1944 - Japanese begin offensive toward Imphal and Kohima.  
April 17, 1944 - Japanese begin their last offensive in China, attacking U.S. air bases in eastern China.  
April 22, 1944 - Allies invade Aitape and Hollandia in New Guinea.

Contributors to this issue: Snooky, yep, it's all mine! War news by historyplacedotnet


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: June 12, 1944

Stalag 13 Gazette

Vol. 2, No. 3

June 12, 1944

Editor: Corporal Rubinstein, Barracks 12

Notices:

Seems the guards and Kommandant Klink's staff have been a bit on the edgy side these past few days. When asked why, they refused to say, except of course for Schultz who as usual, knows nothing.-s

This editor was threatened with a demotion and a month of KP duty for surreptitiously continuing the birth year speculations behind the scenes. But….the year 1905, seems to be close! Kommandant Klink and Hilda know the answer, but aren't talking. In fact, the Kommandant seems to be enjoying the fact that he knows something we don't.—s

And…Colonel Hogan would like everyone to know, that he is not the oldest prisoner in his barracks. So there!-s

Will someone please tell Sgt. Schultz that Macys and Gimbels are names of department stores and not prisoners!—s

Belated news from town: It appears that on April 20th (Hitler's birthday), a party being held near an anti-aircraft unit was interrupted by air raid sirens. During the confusion, saboteurs replaced the ammunition with flags that read "Happy Birthday, Adolf!" The commander of the unit (another relative of our local Gestapo chief) blamed a work detail from this camp that was sent to clean up and decorate the hall. Kommandant Klink thought this was ridiculous and said so. Thanks, Kommandant! Perhaps the now disgraced commander broke into the Schnapps? Meanwhile, Colonel Hogan is still bargaining with the Kommandant for extra light and more white bread in exchange for cleaning up buildings in camp.—s

Rumors that Colonel Hogan had a hangover after this incident are FALSE!-s

Corporal Newkirk would like to reiterate that he does NOT sleep with a teddy bear, and would like to ask everyone to stop trying to bribe him for Colonel Hogan's birth year. The temptation is becoming too much.-d

Congratulations to Kommandant Klink for his perfect inefficiency rating and short-lived promotion to the German Army Chief of Staff. Since we have heard that the Germans are a very efficient people, it makes one wonder: Is Klink really German?-m

A note from Kommandant Klink: Of course, I'm German. What else could I be?-m

Corporal Newkirk has decided to take a poll to discover the answer to that question.-m

Another note from Klink: Any prisoners responding to said poll will be confined to barracks and on half rations for the next two weeks. Any guards doing so will have all leaves revoked and sentenced to extra shifts for the next three months. And if Corporal Newkirk has nothing better to do than come  
up with this ridiculous poll, I'll find some more productive ways for him to utilize his time.-m

Lost: Frau von Scheider and her small suitcase. Anyone with information leading to their recovery is asked to contact General von Scheider immediately. All correspondence will be forwarded to the Russian front.—m

Colonel Hogan would like the prisoners to know that the next person who points out that his voice cracks will have their M&M's confiscated until the end of the war—lg

Prisoners were ecstatic recently when the latest shipment of Red Cross games and books were found to be wrapped in newspaper! The Germans decided what was in the papers did not need censoring and left them in there. So on behalf of those of us trying to finish the impossibly difficult NY Times crossword puzzle: if anyone knows the Yiddish word for bedbug, please let me know!—s

Everyone is glad to see that the Gestapo takeover of camp is Kaput! Kommandant Klink won't say how he managed to turn the tables on them, but he apparently somehow got the goods on Strauss, brought the information to Burkhalter and then…well, you know the rest. Unfortunately, according to the Kommandant, the two "agents" claiming to be working for General Mueller, got away. In addition, the Kommandant got Colonel Hogan released from the cooler early. So the Iron Colonel is two for two!—s

Burn after reading:

INVASION NEWS!

June 6, 1944. Allies landed on beaches in Normandy. We have no estimates of casualties yet. Rumors that Americans faced severe opposition on Omaha beach seem to be true. Canadians had an easier time at Juno. Brits landed at Gold. 18,000 paratroopers were dropped behind enemy lines prior to landings. Estimated that on the first day, 175,000 troops came ashore. Hitler apparently slept through. No one was brave enough to wake him up.

The news is still sketchy and incomplete. Colonel Hogan will be holding briefings as warranted. Barracks chiefs will then brief the rank and file.

On behalf of everyone, Colonel Hogan would like to extend our heartfelt thanks to Chief of Staff Klink (in absentia, of course) for his perfect inefficiency in responding to the Normandy Invasion. We were so glad that he proved we could trust him to do the right thing.—m

Speaking of the invasion: Colonel Hogan somehow managed to sneak out of camp, catch a flight to London, meet with the brass, catch a flight back to Germany, jump out of a plane and make it back to camp in time for roll call! And then he came up with a brilliant plan to confuse the German command staff. His picture should be on a box of Wheaties!—s

When asked how London was; Colonel Hogan replied: "Foggy."—s

Getting back to the Gestapo takeover of camp; Thanks go out to the two underground agents who impersonated Mueller's contacts. Great job, gentlemen. Otto should consider an acting career after the war.—s

Otto replies: Thanks. See me for passports.-s

Hilda says, as long as Colonel Hogan is supplying me with nylons, my lips are sealed!-s

In other war news:

June 9, 1944 - Soviet offensive against the Finnish front begins.

June 5, 1944 - The first mission by B-29 Superfortress bombers occurs as 77 planes bomb Japanese railway facilities at Bangkok, Thailand.

Contributors to this issue: Linda Groundwater, Marleen, Deana, Snooky

War news by historyplacedotnet


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15: September 10, 1944

Stalag 13 Gazette

Vol. 2, No. 4

September 10, 1944

Editor: Sergeant Rubinstein, Barracks 12

Note from your editor: My reporters have been slacking off! There's been nothing in my inbox. For Shame…Get with it people!

From Colonel Hogan: Corporal Rubinstein has been promoted to Sergeant, effective immediately. This promotion is a reward for continuing the Gazette under difficult circumstances!

Notices:

Next up on our Thursday night lecture series: Sergeant Carter will teach a seminar on photography. Lesson one: How to make sure your camera is loaded. Lesson two: How to shoot a person's best profile. (demonstrated by Kommandant Klink).

The entire camp would like to thank the Kommandant for now allowing the use of photography equipment, something that was previously banned. He replies: as long as he can censor the photos, he doesn't foresee any problems.

Weather update: From this day forward, Germany will no longer have winter, spring, summer and fall. The new seasons are to be called: Snow, Slush, Mud and Road construction.

Colonel Hogan and Sgt. Schultz are fine after escaping certain death the other day, when a general decided to set a trap for the Colonel and held him hostage at a fuel depot, with Schultz as his guard. Guess he was afraid it would be attacked or something and the Colonel had control over area sabotage. What was he thinking? Fortunately, this Russian lady managed to get them released. Unfortunately for the general, a bomb went off while he was in the building. Too bad. Not!

Kommandant Klink does not appreciate the sarcasm in the above notice and orders further sarcasm to cease and desist immediately.

Word has gotten out to everyone, including the prisoners (somehow) that the Fuhrer escaped an assassination attempt during the summer. Seems the old bomb in a briefcase trick didn't quite work when, as it was reported, the briefcase got kicked away from Hitler. This incident explains the utter panic occurring amongst every high-level officer in Germany. How many heads will roll? The count continues….

The city of Zuglitz was left totally undefended the other day when all available fighter planes were diverted to Berlin, on the advice of our own Sgt. Schultz! Seems the Sgt. had correctly predicted military maneuvers for about a week. Unfortunately, his last prediction fell completely flat. Schultz's words when told of the debacle…"Nobody's perfect."

Klink's words when told of the debacle…"Schuuultz!" Actually, he's lucky he wasn't demoted and sent to the Russian front.

In reality, another front may be getting closer.

Coming up next Saturday in the rec hall: the Burkhalter lookalike and soundalike contest! And if you can do both at the same time, you´re probably going to win the contest! Kommandant Klink has graciously promised to be the judge.-K

Prisoners were talking recently about a little-bitty tank that was rolling around the compound recently. Was it a toy? A new weapon? A Trojan horse? No one seems to know for sure and answers are not coming, as it eventually blew up. Which seems to happen a lot around here for some reason.

Burn after reading:

Everyone has finally recovered from the celebration of the Liberation of Paris last month. Colonel Hogan appreciates the great cleanup job the French prisoners did in the tunnels. We're still trying to figure out what to do with the confetti.

Regarding the assassination attempt: we regret the loss of the courier who brought the briefcase. Sergeant Wilson tried desperately to save his life, but unfortunately the injuries were too serious. General Stauffen, has of course, disappeared.

Editorial comment: while many of us were pleased to find out about the generals and their plans for disposing of Hitler, we sincerely question why this couldn't have been attempted before he invaded Poland.

The tank: still looking for an explanation as to how the tank moved on its own. Anyone with an idea, please see Sgt. Kinchloe.

Shout out! Regards to the entire camp from the following personnel:

Group Captain Roberts. (Hogan, I owe you one!)

Field Marshal Richter who says "making it look like Major Hochstetter blew up my car made my day."

Captain Metzler, who apologizes for ever doubting us. In addition, he would like to remind Colonel Hogan to remember that some of the captain's relatives, who look remarkably like him, may be dangerous. Not his distant American cousin, Captain Morgan, who as you may recall managed to escape through a snowman and who would like to apologize to the men in barracks two for being a bit of a pain in the you know what. Nor his other American cousin, Captain Mitchell. How many are there in his family? Seven.

Lieutenant Mills, who hopes that Colonel Hogan and that Klink fellow landed safely and who wants to know why his cousin Sergeant Olsen still owes him a letter.

And finally from Colonel Becker, "that was a dirty trick you played on me, Colonel Hogan." However, he does admit that our prison camps are nicer. Colonel Hogan's response: "W in and hat dirty trick? You backed out of your agreement. So whatever you got, you deserved. Ha ha."

Obviously, the soundalike contest is a ruse. We need a phony Burkhalter for an important mission! –K

War news from the European front!

I've included just the major stuff. You've already heard about some of the Allied progress .

A lot has happened since the last issue. The Colonel will be meeting with small groups to conduct updates. Some info is on a need to know basis.

June 13, 1944- First German V-1 rocket attack on Britain.

Aug 1, 1944 - Polish Home Army uprising against Nazis in Warsaw begins;

Aug 7, 1944 - Germans begin a major counter-attack toward Avranches.

Aug 15, 1944 - Operation Dragoon begins (the Allied invasion of Southern France).

Aug 19, 1944 - Resistance uprising in Paris.

Aug 19/20 - Soviet offensive in the Balkans begins with an attack on Romania.

Aug 25, 1944- Liberation of Paris.

Aug 29, 1944 - Slovak uprising begins.

Aug 31, 1944 - Soviet troops take Bucharest.

Sept 1-4- Verdun, Dieppe, Artois, Rouen, Abbeville, Antwerp and Brussels liberated by Allies.

Sept 4, 1944 - Finland and the Soviet Union agree to a cease-fire.

Sept 13, 1944- U.S. troops reach the Siegfried Line.

Author's note: The first concentration camps were liberated during this period. I tend to think that while Hogan may have been told about the atrocities, he would not have revealed this information to the rank and file.

Contributors to this issue: Konarciq and Snooky

War news from historyplacedotnet


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16: December 20, 1944

Stalag 13 Gazette

Vol. 2, No. 5

December 20, 1944

Editor: Sergeant Rubinstein, Barracks 12-Keep sending me info for the next newsletter. It looks like we'll be here for a while longer.

I know we were all hoping to be liberated by Christmas, but it is no secret that the Germans have launched a counteroffensive in the forests of Belgium. We appreciate the fact that Kommandant Klink has been gracious enough to not rub this in our faces.

So, without further ado, I guess I will label this our 1944 holiday issue.

Notices:

For those living under a rock for the last few weeks! President Roosevelt has been reelected to his 4th term. Someone by the name of Harry S. Truman is the Vice President. Anyone know anything about him, besides the fact that he is a senator from Missouri? The Kommandant graciously gave out this information in November. Tsk. Tsk. Has someone been listening to the BBC?

For the sixth week in a row, no one has won the bingo jackpot. So, it will be rolled over. Since we're now out of decent prizes, the jackpot will be given away next Sunday afternoon at 1400 hours. If no one has filled their card after 50 balls have been called, the game will continue until we have a winner. The lucky winner will now receive a case of spam, a carton of cigarettes, and a year's supply of aftershave. (author's note: I couldn't resist-I just got back from a cruise, but unfortunately, we didn't win the jackpot!)

Believe it or not! Old wounds resurface!

Several prisoners (who shall remain anonymous since they must speak German) overheard several guards talking about how they overheard Kommandant Klink still grousing over the Norden bombsight incident. Since this happened ages ago, don't you think, Kommandant, that it is time you put this to rest? I managed to get a comment from Colonel Hogan, who when told that the Kommandant couldn't let this go, burst out laughing. But this is what he said:

"I personally would like to thank Colonel Klink and General Burkhalter for the lovely evening out in town and for the champagne. He also says that it was not his fault Klink thought he was talking about the Norden bombsite; some people just need to ask questions once in a while." -GK

So, I also managed to get a comment from the Kommandant.

"Can you spell humiliation?"

From Colonel Hogan:

"Oh, go cry me a river."

From Colonel Hogan:

Kommandant Klink has granted permission for all barracks to decorate both the inside and outside of their huts. To make this more interesting, we will be holding a contest! The Kommandant, of course, has agreed to judge. Since the Allies will not bomb a POW camp, electric lights are allowed. (We have no idea how they turned up in the supply hut, but as I like to say, don't look a gift horse in the mouth).

No word yet on the prizes, but there is one idea going around that everyone seems to be in favor of, which is the 'Get Out of the Cooler Free' card; a one-time pass. –simone

There are also rumors that certain items (useful for decorating purposes) have been stolen from huts. In fact:

Note from Corporal Newkirk: "If anything needs to be stolen by magic fingers I will take payment in the form of British cigarettes and chocolate bars."-simone

Note from Kommandant Klink: "The prize WILL NOT be a 'Get Out of the Cooler Free' card. And, if any of my guards report something missing, Corporal Newkirk will be sent to the cooler and nothing Colonel Hogan says will get him out."-simone

Note from Colonel Hogan: "I would like to remind our dear Kommandant about Newkirk's statement: 'You're the best Kommandant a prisoner could have.'"-simone

Note from Kommandant Klink: "I'll think about it."-simone

Burn After Reading:

To all barracks: Schematics for decorating the outside of the barracks have been delivered. Lighting instructions must be followed to the letter so that our bombers can follow the signals. Hopefully, this will work better than the lit cigarettes.

The Hanukkah party and Menorah lighting held in the main tunnel system was a big success. Thanks go out to everyone who continued to come out for all eight nights, even though there was no party on nights two thru eight. Thank you to the boys in the metal shop for making the menorah, and to the prisoners who made the dreidels in ceramics class. Hopefully, this will be the last time this has to be done in secret. By the way, the winner of the dreidel game was Cpl. Newkirk. (what a surprise).

We have heard confirmation that Rommel is dead. Reports indicate suicide, but allied command is suspicious.

German lessons from our language instructor: Corporal Lizzie:

Auchtung - The Krauts want us to think that this means something similar to "Attention" or "Watch out", but in reality we all know that it means "Good Morning". For more information on this word, see Sgt. Carter.

Nicht Schiessen - A VERY important phrase, it means "Don't shoot". This is not to be confused with "Scheissen", which is a word more appropriate for the WC.

Ein Bier Bitte - A favourite phrase of Sgt. Schultz. Translated it means "One Beer Please". Keep this phrase in mind the next time you're at the Haufbrau, or rather "Zwei Biers Bitte" when you're with that someone special.

War News from the Pacific Theater:

September 15, 1944 - U.S. Troops invade Morotai and the Paulaus.  
October 11, 1944 - U.S. Air raids against Okinawa.  
October 18, 1944 - Fourteen B-29s based on the Marianas attack the Japanese base at Truk.  
October 20, 1944 - U.S. Sixth Army invades Leyte in the Philippines.  
October 23-26 - Battle of Leyte Gulf results in a decisive U.S. Naval victory.  
October 25, 1944 - The first suicide air (Kamikaze) attacks occur against U.S. warships in Leyte Gulf.

November 11, 1944 - Iwo Jima bombarded by the U.S. Navy.  
November 24, 1944 - Twenty four B-29s bomb the Nakajima aircraft factory near Tokyo.  
December 15, 1944 - U.S. Troops invade Mindoro in the Philippines.

War News from Europe:

Sept 13, 1944- U.S. troops reach the Siegfried Line.

Sept 17, 1944- Operation Market Garden begins (Allied airborne assault on Holland).

Sept 26, 1944 - Soviet troops occupy Estonia.

Oct 2, 1944 - Warsaw Uprising ends as the Polish Home Army surrenders to the Germans.

Oct 10-29 - Soviet troops capture Riga.

Oct 14, 1944 - Allies liberate Athens; Rommel commits suicide.

Oct 21, 1944- Massive German surrender at Aachen.

Nov 20, 1944 - French troops drive through the 'Beffort Gap' to reach the Rhine.

Nov 24, 1944 - French capture Strasbourg.

Dec 4, 1944 - Civil War in Greece; Athens placed under martial law.

Dec. 16, 1944-German offensive begins in Ardennes

War news from historyplacedotcom.

Contributors for this issue: General Kinchmeyer, Lizzie, Simone, Snooky


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17: February 20, 1945

Stalag 13 Gazette

Vol. 2, No. 6

February 20, 1945

Editor: Sergeant Rubinstein, Barracks 12

Tidbits from the Hammelburg press. (translated by Corporal Langenscheidt)

Mannheim, the Gestapo aide that killed his boss during a visit to the local POW camp, has been sentenced . Funeral arrangements are pending.

A recent explosion at a factory has been blamed on a female double agent. She was still at large, but local Gestapo chief, Major Hochstetter is on the hunt. Why a professional double agent would be carrying a pretty black evening bag and leave it nearby is still a mystery. Frame-up?

The station master at the Hammelburg train depot has been fired. No explanation was forthcoming, but there had been rumors that he has not been inspecting packages and also not taking his phone calls.

Luftwaffe personnel stationed in the area recently put on a musical recital for charity at the local symphony hall. Unfortunately, a certain general's mandolin performance was not appreciated. A certain Colonel and his violin was not invited.

Notices and other stuff!

Happy Valentine's Day. The heart shaped potato pancakes were greatly appreciated. Although a few smart alecks were asking, "Where are the cute little messages?"

Getting back to Mannheim, the Great Lakes Prisoners Association is sorry that Colonel Hogan did not enjoy his hotel stay in Cleveland. Corporal White of Barracks 17 has graciously offered the colonel a free night at his parents' hotel. "Colonel Hogan will be able to stand up in all of our rooms, plus he can control the thermostat." The prisoners association recommends that Colonel Hogan not visit in the winter.

Colonel Hogan graciously accepts the corporal's offer, but he is forced to admit that he made the whole story up during Major Hochstetter's interrogation, to throw the major off. Besides, he had nothing else to say.

Major Hochstetter replied: "I knew that! Bah!"

Sergeant Schultz was recently seen singing and dancing around the compound. Word has it that a woman was involved. Excuse me, sergeant? I thought you were married.

Sergeant Schultz asked that no one tell his wife.

Colonel Hogan would like to inform Sergeant Schultz and the other guards that he is not in charge and he is not an advice columnist. Although he is flattered, that job (being in charge) belongs to Klink.

One of my best reporters discovered that a petition has been circulating around camp, requesting that Colonel Hogan be put in charge. It has already been signed by 25 guards.

Kommandant Klink has ordered that the petition be found immediately and destroyed. Anyone signing is risking a trip to the Russian front.

From Colonel Hogan and, Kommandant Klink:

We're expecting a large influx of new prisoners, due to the invasion, the German counterattack, etc. and so forth. Volunteers are needed to build additional barracks, as per the plans behind the Kommandant's desk. (Those barracks were in the original architectural drawings, but after 20 barracks were completed, for some reason, the construction stopped.)

Colonel Hogan reports that the Kommandant's bed is very comfortable and that the comforter on top is cozy. He wants to know why we can't get the same kind of bedding.

Kommandant Klink's reply: "I'm surprised you noticed, seeing that you were as drunk as a skunk. For shame." (He shook his wrist and then stomped off)

Colonel Hogan: "it was your fault. Your people kept filling my glass!"

There is a petition to change the current season to something other than winter. All those interested in signing, there is a sheet in the Rec Hall.-L

Lt. Foster will be teaching boxing lessons next week. There is a sign up sheet in the Rec Hall. (Apparently, his younger cousin the seminarian, is quite talented and has taught Foster how to box.) However all participants must promise Col. Klink not to "practice" on the guards, otherwise it's 30 days in the cooler. And he would like to remind everyone that there has  
never been a successful escape from Stalag 13. Blah, Blah, Blah…L

BURN AFTER READING!

We are continuing to thwart Klink's plans for his annual eye exam. Obviously, he needs a new monocle prescription, seeing that he consistently fails to recognize Sergeant Carter disguised as everything from a crazy general with a sword, to a doctor. Either that or the man is unbelievably stupid.

Personally speaking, I'm going with stupid. What do the rest of you think?

Colonel Hogan: "no comment."

German Lessons by our Language expert: Corporal Lizzie.

Ja – Yes

Nein – No

Freund – Friend (but better yet is "Freundin", which is the feminine version. Here's hoping we all get to use this one!)

Corporal Newkirk has been asked many times if that was really him who was seen jumping out Klink's second floor window. Here is his answer: "Ruddy cuckoo clocks." –deana

Sergeant Carter insists when the war is over he receive benefits from the German Army and the US Army at the same time.-CH

Colonel Hogan appreciates the 'thank you' letter he received from Freddy after receiving his Legion of Merit medal with the peanut cluster.-CH

Colonel Hogan requests that any new prisoners who wish to test the 'no escape' record of Stalag 13, please discuss it with him first so he can arrange for them to be transferred to another Stalag. This request is made because the problems the Colonel had with Malcolm Flood.-CH

WAR NEWS: (historynetdotcom) ****obviously, some of this would be missing from Hogan's "real" newsletter, but it is important, so I decided to include it.*****

Dec 17, 1944 - Waffen SS murder 81 U.S. POWs at Malmedy.

Dec 26, 1944 - Patton relieves Bastogne.

Dec 27, 1944 - Soviet troops besiege Budapest.

Jan 1-17 - Germans withdraw from the Ardennes.

Jan 16, 1945 - U.S. 1st and 3rd Armies link up after a month long separation during the Battle of the Bulge.

Jan 17, 1945 - Soviet troops capture Warsaw.

Jan 26, 1945 - Soviet troops liberate Auschwitz.

Feb 13/14 - Dresden is destroyed by a firestorm after Allied bombing raids.

Pacific:

January 3, 1945 - Gen. MacArthur is placed in command of all U.S. ground forces and Adm. Nimitz in command of all naval forces in preparation for planned assaults against Iwo Jima, Okinawa and Japan itself.  
January 4, 1945 - British occupy Akyab in Burma.  
January 9, 1945 - U.S. Sixth Army invades Lingayen Gulf on Luzon in the Philippines.  
January 11, 1945 - Air raid against Japanese bases in Indochina by U.S. Carrier-based planes.  
January 28, 1945 - The Burma road is reopened.  
February 3, 1945 - U.S. Sixth Army attacks Japanese in Manila.  
February 16, 1945 - U.S. Troops recapture Bataan in the Philippines.  
February 19, 1945 - U.S. Marines invade Iwo Jima.

CONTRIBUTORS FOR THIS ISSUE: Snooky, Lizzie, ColHogan,Deana

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'LL BE DOING ONE MORE ISSUE THAT WILL BE PUBLISHED SOMETIME AROUND APRIL, 1945. THINK ABOUT WHAT MIGHT BE IN THERE, IN BOTH SECTIONS, AND SEND ME YOUR NOTICES. THE SHOW NEVER GOT THAT FAR (OBVIOUSLY) SO THIS IS THE TIME TO BE REALLY CREATIVE, HISTORICAL AND THOUGHTFUL!


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18: April, 1945Liberation Issue

Stalag 13 Gazette

Vol. 2, No. 7

April 1, 1945

Editor: Sergeant Rubinstein, Barracks 12.

We are now officially out of: fresh eggs, powdered eggs, writing paper, coffee, schnapps, spam, mushrooms, canned peaches, paper napkins, caviar, ink, paper clips and toilet paper.

Missing: Captain Gruber, who left in search of toilet paper and never returned; and three guards who left to go look for Captain Gruber.

News Flash!

We've finally discovered Colonel Hogan's exact birth date. Yes, it's true! And, it was his own fault. Colonel Hogan ordered Sergeant Carter to "volunteer" for cleanup duty. While dusting the Kommandant's outer office, Carter got a quick glimpse of the Colonel's file, which was left open on Hilda's desk!

Drum roll please! July 13, 1905.

Here's hoping the Colonel will be able to celebrate at home with his family.

Notices:

All posters must be turned in and will be (sorry fellas) ripped up for other purposes. Any prisoners caught hiding posters of Veronica Lake in tubes in their mattress, will be getting KP duty and 200 pushups.

A Luftwaffe colonel heading west to escape the Russians stopped into camp the other day. He ask for temporary asylum, which was initially refused by Klink, who whined, "we have our own problems," but quickly changed his mind, when the colonel, who revealed himself to be Johann Schmidt, dumped 20 pounds of paperwork on Klink's desk.

Colonel Hogan would like to reassure Kommandant Klink that his idea of wind up Hitler dolls that say "I surrender" was just a joke and yes, it was in bad taste. –ch

Pay no attention to the rumbling! Or the ground shaking.

Kommandant Klink requests that all lighters be turned in. Prisoners may keep matches. Colonel Hogan is fighting this request and is still waiting for an explanation.

Kommandant Klink's reply: "I am under no obligation to explain anything!"

Colonel Hogan: "If you need fuel to burn papers, all you have to do is ask."

Updated prisoner count: 1012. I know we are now overflowing, but chin-up, the end is in sight! Hopefully.

Rations are being cut again! Extras are being sent to the infirmary. Sergeant Wilson appreciates everyone's cooperation.

Sergeant Schultz has been moping around the compound lately and does not seem to be his usual jolly self. When asked why, he replied, "I fear that in the near future, my services as the Kommandant's food tester will no longer be required." He then asked me if I had Corporal Lebeau's new business card.

Yes, Lebeau has been passing these out. Seems he already has a location picked out for his restaurant.

Top Ten List: From Private Letterman:

We asked around the camp for answers to the "most missed items while at  
Stalag Luft 13" and the "first thing you're going to do when you get out  
of here" surveys, and here are the results: (submitted by Lizzie)

Most missed while at Stalag Luft 13:  
10\. Grass  
9\. Real food  
8\. Real beds (with clean sheets!)  
7\. Fruit  
6\. Being around family and friends  
5\. Summer  
4\. Cats (they don't bark!)  
3\. Girls  
2\. Women  
1\. FEMALES

The top answers for the first thing "you're going to do when you get out  
of here"  
Milk  
9\. Build a sand castle at the beach  
8\. Eat a banana/orange  
7\. Take a bath  
6\. Sleep for a year  
5\. Go to the pub  
4\. Hang out with family and friends  
3\. Visit Schultz's toy factory  
2\. Take a girl to the cinema  
1\. Kiss Fräulein Helga

(Note from Editor: I'm suspicious about nos. 3 and 1. While we are all fond of Schultz and Helga, who as everyone knows, got married and moved, I can't help but think that would not be the first thing we would do. Personally, I think I would kiss the ground in NY, but that's my opinion.)

Burn after reading! Unless it's over!

Mandatory combat drills are now being held in the REC hall for all prisoners. The schedule is posted outside. These are being disguised as hygiene lectures. In case of the unlikely event that Klink decides to fight for the camp, everyone needs to be prepared. In addition, we have no idea what orders will be sent from Berlin. This is a more dangerous situation, but unlike other camps, we have the means to fight back.

The Nimrod pool: make your bet before the war is over! Even Major Hochstetter has received a vote now, which pretty much means ANYONE is eligible.. k

From Colonel Hogan: I asked London to drop a supply of toilet paper and coffee, but I was laughed at. Sorry. I used the morale excuse, and the, "we are all volunteers" excuse. Again, I was laughed at. They did agree to drop boxes of rations, which have been picked up, and are now stored in the tunnels. London has informed me that this may be the last drop. The front is now getting too close.

If anyone has any REASONABLE ideas on what to do with the tunnels please see Col. Hogan. Thus far we have had filling them with: water, Jell-o, and copies of Mein Kamph. -l

April 7, 1945

Klink is no longer censoring this. He doesn't care anymore. As you can see, I started this on April 1st, but was unable to print it, due to the ink and paper shortage. But, Schnitzer made a delivery. Thanks, Oscar! Everyone should keep these papers to show their grandkids.

A request from Sgt Schultz: please sign the petition in which you state that I have been a good sergeant to all of you prisoners! It will be worth my life when those tanks roll in! -k

Kommandant Klink requests that a similar petition should be held for him. Anyone feel like starting one?—k

Confirmed: American troops have surrounded the Germans in the Ruhr.

No, we are not filling the tunnels with Jello or anything else for that matter. Can't believe you fell for that! Check the date on the Gazette! Duh! From Colonel Hogan: Gotcha

The tunnels will be blown after we are evacuated, as per orders from London.

More personnel news:

Those three lovely female Gestapo interrogators (dubbed Wolfgang's Angels) have been reassigned. They are now working as a typist, a crossing guard and as a parking officer. Rumor has it, that after leaving camp, they tried to claw each other's eyes out. Ha. Ha. See Colonel Hogan for phone numbers.

From Colonel Hogan: "Not funny. I burned the numbers. Those three will probably end up in jail."

Missing: General Burkhalter. Did he fly the coop? Is he in Argentina? Did he kill himself? Get captured? No one knows. Or, maybe… no it couldn't be… A large majority of prisoners still think he may be Nimrod.

Major Hochstetter was last seen fleeing the area in a staff car. Unfortunately, for him, he headed in the wrong direction and was captured. He was heard yelling, "What are these Sherman tanks doing here?"

Corporal Langenscheidt has mysteriously disappeared. Rumour has it that he has either deserted, or killed himself. Some are fearful that the poor Corporal was mistaken for his cousin Mannheim, the Gestapo aide who killed Freitag. (We did confirm last year that Mannheim was executed, so he should be okay.) Well, we have to admit they looked like each other. (like twins!) Still, there is also the opportunity of him being Nimrod, who at this stage probably has better things to do than guarding a lost prison camp.-k

4 more guards have deserted.

Notices:

The Liberation Choir will be rehearsing all next week to practice for liberation. If interested, please see Corp. LeBeau. The songs include: "When Johnny Comes Marching Home", "Der Fürher's Face" (Spike Jones), and a song called "Hogan's Heroes" (Your guess is as good as mine on that one guys!).—l

Big gamehunter Cpl LeBeau from Barracks 2 asks anyone to keep an eye out for a White-Russian tiger. If you do see her, don´t be afraid, but just come and tell him: he´ll tame her.

(Col Hogan: she´d better stay away from here!)-k

Clandestine operations have ceased! This is now official! Now it's hurry up and wait.

April 10, 1945

From Colonel Hogan: the Kommandant has informed me that he will surrender peacefully when the time comes. I have in my possession, an official letter of surrender, that has been signed and witnessed.

A poll has been set up to determine the possible date of liberation. The winner gets a free trip to London!-l

All those interested in working on the WELCOME banner for the Allied troops, please see Sgt. Olsen. -l

All those interested in helping out with the surprise "GOODBYE" written in rocks for Col. Hogan please see Sgt. Kinch. -l

To which the Colonel responded: "If you wanted this to be a surprise, why did you put it in the Gazette?"

Reply: Ummm...l

Rumour has it (and the Kommandant has confirmed it) that the guard dogs will be shot after the liberation. "Trained killers have no place in civilian life," he said. Since we know that these dogs are utterly friendly, anyone who´d like to take one of the dogs home with him can sign up with Cpl. LeBeau from Barracks 2. If necessary, we´ll let the dogs choose their own new boss. –k

Oscar Schnitzer is okay with this, as long as the dogs are not shot. Otherwise, he would have to cross the front lines to rescue them.

Corporal Lizzie's final German lesson:

We have all been waiting to say it, so here it is: For you the war is over - Für Sie, ist der Krieg vorbei

But also, we must remember our manners: Lovely Stalag, I've quite enjoyed my stay here, and I'll recommend this place to my friends - Schönes Stalag, hat es mir sehr gefällt, und ich empfehle es  
meinen Freunden.

And don't forget! Will you marry me? - Willst du mich heiraten?

Orders: From Colonel Hogan: no German will be mistreated. We are all better than that!

April 13, 1945

Confirmed: President Roosevelt died yesterday. Vice President Harry S. Truman is now president. A brief memorial service will be held in the mess hall tomorrow morning at 0900.

Colonel Hogan reports that an American battalion is only days away.

April 19, 1945 Liberation Day.

Hey look guys! We made the papers!

From United Press International. Somewhere in the middle of Germany.

"A group of over 1000 multinational Allied prisoners was successfully liberated this morning when an American field artillery battalion (from the 97th infantry division) surrounded the perimeter of Luftstalag 13, a small prisoner of war camp located outside the town of Hammelburg, Germany.

This reporter met up with this battalion in Dusseldorf, the nearest big city, and when told of the proximity of the camp, asked to ride along. Fortunately, there was little resistance and only minor outbursts of fighting as we moved through the region. Tension mounted as we got closer to the camp, since allied soldiers previously met with resistance at other POW camps. In addition, conditions at many camps were brutal, and the liberators often faced the task of caring for thousands of sick and starving soldiers. To my surprise, there was no resistance. Upon entering the compound, battalion commanders found the camp had already changed hands. The remaining guards and command staff were unarmed and lined up in the compound. They were being watched over by a small group of armed prisoners.

An American officer introduced himself as Colonel Robert Hogan, the senior POW officer, and pleasantly asked that no tanks be moved onto the interior of the compound. When asked why, he responded with a request to speak with the battalion commander inside the Kommandant's former office.

The commander and the colonel spoke for few minutes (what they talked about is classified) and then returned to the compound.

"Well," the colonel remarked. "We've been officially liberated." Doors opened and all the prisoners came pouring out and began to celebrate. I am happy to report that all the men were relatively healthy and that all were accounted for. Credit for this happy outcome must go to Colonel Hogan and his staff, as well as the Luftwaffe officer in charge of the camp. (I may receive some flak for reporting this, but this was confirmed later on by Colonel Hogan himself. He wanted to make it clear that the Kommandant, his staff and the guards tried to run the camp in accordance with the Geneva Convention. The colonel does not expect any of them to be charged with war crimes.)

I later found out that Colonel Hogan, of Bridgeport, Connecticut, commanded the 504th Bomber Group and had been a decorated pilot before being shot down over Hamburg. He had been attached to the RAF before the United States entered the war. Why he was imprisoned in a small NCO camp, is still a mystery.

The entire camp population will be evacuated by truck, taken to an airfield, and flown to the Lucky Strike Camp near LeHavre, France.

I waited until the Germans were removed and evacuation teams were brought in, and then followed the battalion further into the interior of Germany."

Contributors to this issue: Snooky, Konarciq, Lizzie, (who provided me with the name of the unit that captured Dusseldorf) and ColHogan

A/N I thoroughly enjoyed putting together these Gazettes and I would like to thank all of you for your contributions. Thank you for all of your reviews. They were overwhelmingly positive and I know everyone appreciated the lighter tone of the newsletters.

.

**Author's Note:**

> Actually, I'm originally from Massapequa Park, Long Island, NY. But my husband is from Syracuse.


End file.
